How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb, and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it.
How many dieters does it take to change a light bulb? If it's "light", what could be better?
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they only screw in hot tubs.
How many first trumpets does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three: one to screw it in, one to push the ladder out from under him, and one to say how he could have done both jobs so much better.
How many NASCAR drivers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they can only go left.
How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb? Change? Why change?
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None, let her do the dishes in the dark.
How many people with ADD does it take to change a light bulb? I just found a new recipe for Egg Salad!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Bad Interviews
These are true stories of interviews gone very, very wrong.
An applicant said she was a "people person", not a "numbers person", in her interview for an accounting position.
Candidate told the interviewer that he was fired from his last job for beating up his boss.
Applicant smelled his armpits on the way to the interview room.
One candidate asked for a cup of water, took a sip, swished it around in his mouth, and spat into a potted plant.
Prospect said, "Seven handicapped parking spaces next to the front door? What, are you having a wheelchair convention or something?"
An applicant said she was a "people person", not a "numbers person", in her interview for an accounting position.
Candidate told the interviewer that he was fired from his last job for beating up his boss.
Applicant smelled his armpits on the way to the interview room.
One candidate asked for a cup of water, took a sip, swished it around in his mouth, and spat into a potted plant.
Prospect said, "Seven handicapped parking spaces next to the front door? What, are you having a wheelchair convention or something?"
Real Insurance Claims
These are actual statements given to claims adjusters. Have fun!
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
Going to work this morning, I drove out of my driveway straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.
Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.
I realized the engine was on fire from the smoke under the hood. I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
Going to work this morning, I drove out of my driveway straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.
Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.
I realized the engine was on fire from the smoke under the hood. I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
Everything You Need to Know About Business
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and hours are lost.
If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will.
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will.
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Real and Funny Bumper Stickers
My car is a status symbol. The symbol of me being poor!
I may be fat, but you're ugly - and I can diet.
I have PMS and a handgun. Any questions?
JESUS SAVES, he passes to Noah who shoots and SCORES!
Where am I going? And why am I in a handbasket?
JESUS SAVES at Banco de Mexico
My next car is a Bentley*. [* conditions apply]
Insanity: a small price to pay for sheer brilliance!
Heavily medicated for your safety.
I may be fat, but you're ugly - and I can diet.
I have PMS and a handgun. Any questions?
JESUS SAVES, he passes to Noah who shoots and SCORES!
Where am I going? And why am I in a handbasket?
JESUS SAVES at Banco de Mexico
My next car is a Bentley*. [* conditions apply]
Insanity: a small price to pay for sheer brilliance!
Heavily medicated for your safety.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
