Friday, July 2, 2010

Mitch Hedberg Quotes Part 3 of 3

Mitch Hedberg Quotes Part 1
Mitch Hedberg Quotes Part 2


I was at a concert in LA, and the band was having an off night, and some people in the audience started throwing tomatoes at the band. Now who would throw tomatoes at the band? That's bad. But who would bring a tomato to a show? That's worse. Don't throw tomatoes at the band. What if they really like tomatoes? They'll think you're enjoying the show. "You guys are great - here's a tomato!" The tomato is the universal sign for not enjoying a performance. Plus I like it on sandwiches! I had the guy at Subway put tomatoes on my sandwich because I didn't like the way he was making it. I don't know what that meant there. That was ad-libbed.

I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!"

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."

Mitch Hedberg Quotes Part 2 of 3

Mitch Hedberg Quotes Part 1
Mitch Hedberg Quotes Part 3

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Screw that, I'll just make a copy!"

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer; she made it half-way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades

Fail



lolcats



Top Ten Signs Your Name is Ed
10.Lots of times when people see you, they say, "Hi, Ed."
9.You receive junk mail that reads: "You may already have won, Ed."
8.When your girlfriend breaks up with you, the letter begins "Dear Ed..."
7.Hippies who attend all your concerts are known as "Edheads."
6.Let's say you're playing baseball. You're the shortstop and there's a pop up between you and the third baseman. You drift under it to make the catch when suddenly the third baseman comes over and says, "I got it, Ed."
5.Your name rhymes with red, but it's not Fred, Ted or Ned.
4.You always get a friendly slap on the back and knowing wink whenever you run into Ed Asner.
3.It seems like every time you get hit on the head with something, it's right after someone yells "Look out, Ed!"
2.You embark on a career in rap music as Snoop Doggy Ed.
1.You sign all of your letters to Penthouse, "Jim".




Motivational Posters



WTF



Funny Animals



The Gambler
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"



Funny Pics



Mitch Hedberg Quotes Part 1 of 3

Quotes and Jokes from Mitch Hedberg, one of the funniest guys who ever lived:

Mitch Hedberg Quotes Part 2
Mitch Hedberg Quotes Part 3

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"


This Cat Will Let You Do ANYTHING to Him

Cats Dont Care Photographs



And I shall call him… Vegetable Head:

Lettuce Head Wig Cat

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