One-Liners - Page Three

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One Liners, Page Two
One Liners, Page Four

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.

The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Can we ever really know when our philosophy assignment is due?

I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.

If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?

Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

Strip mining prevents forest fires.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

The meek shall inherit the earth - after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Ham and Eggs - A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.

Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.

Jesus is coming, so look busy.

We have enough youth: how about a fountain of "smart"?

Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."

Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior.

Death to all fanatics!

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Smokers are just like everybody else. Just not as long.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Somebody who knows how will always have a job. Working for someone who knows why.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.

When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.

If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

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