One-Liners - Page Four

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One Liners, Page Two
One Liners, Page Three

There's no future in time travel.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

Polynesia - memory loss in parrots.

A good pun is its own reword.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor?

Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms!

For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

I love cats; they taste just like chicken.

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Some people have a way with words, others not have way.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.

Drink your coffee; there are people in India sleeping.

I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it's just a pigment of their imagination.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply.

Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either.

Department of Redundancy Department

"If the shoe fits, buy it." - Imelda Marcos

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf".

3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.

Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

Geez if you believe in honkus.

He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester and Keith Moon School of hair styling.

Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!

Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I'd like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else's blood.

When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!

Drilling for oil is boring.

Energizer Bunny Arrested; charged with battery.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W.

I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole!

I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.

We are all prawns in the game of life.

One Liners, Page One
One Liners, Page Two
One Liners, Page Three