Light Bulbs

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb, and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it.

How many dieters does it take to change a light bulb? If it's "light", what could be better?

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they only screw in hot tubs.

How many first trumpets does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three: one to screw it in, one to push the ladder out from under him, and one to say how he could have done both jobs so much better.

How many NASCAR drivers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they can only go left.

How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb? Change? Why change?

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None, let her do the dishes in the dark.

How many people with ADD does it take to change a light bulb? I just found a new recipe for Egg Salad!

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they must all be in agreement that the lightbulb must be changed to increase efficiency.

How many Ska kids does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to drop it, and one to "Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!"

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but you should have seen the size of that lightbulb!

How many mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to scratch his butt, one to order the wrong part and one to tell you it won't be here until Tuesday.

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? Hey, buddy, if you keep buggin' me, I'm gonna rip you a new one!

How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it might take all day.

How many whales does it take to change a light bulb? Since we're saving the whales, why not save the bulb too?

How many dadaists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.

How many jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? Don't worry, I'll just sit here in the dark.

How many mice does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb? 1.67

How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb? None. If you're having trouble with the bulb, it could be the socket, which may cause you problems in the future. Therefore, we should remove the socket.

How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb? None, make her cook in the dark.

How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb? Five: while Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.

How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five, one to change it and four to make the documentary about it.

How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb? One two! One two! One two!

How many Blackberry users does it take to change a light bulb? Farm.

How many Paul Reveres does it take to screw in a light bulb? One if by hand, two if by feel.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes three bulbs.

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to change it, and three to complain that it's electric.

How many salesmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? (pause) I get it! This is one of those light bulb jokes, right?

How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to screw in the new bulb, and three to talk about how much they'll miss the old one.

How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? One.

How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb? None, Pampers don't come in a size that small.

How many beer makers does it take to change a light bulb? About one third less than for a regular bulb.

How many prisoners does it take to change a light bulb? How many packs of cigarettes will you give them?

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they have to do it while you're eating dinner.

How many help-desk employees does it take to change a light bulb? Hmmmm. The bulb works fine in my office.

How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? Oh my GOD! Like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.

How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two thirds.

How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to get an Evian, and one to call Daddy.

How many Florida residents does it take to change a light bulb? Nobody knows, they're still counting.

How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb? You cannot change a light bulb. By nature, it will go out again.

How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes eight million years.

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb? Oh, no! The bulb's out? Sell my GE stock NOW!!

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? None. They let their wives do it.

How many help-desk employees does it take to change a light bulb? May I suggest you read the manual?

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? Change?

How many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they like to cry in the dark.

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and one not to change it.

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? None. They bake pies.

How many administrative assistants does it take to change a light bulb? None. It won't be changed until you fill out form #3422V - the light bulb change request form.

How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.000000000000000000000.

How many Italians does it take to change a light bulb? Are you callin' my wife a whore?

How many Pentium owners does it take to change a light bulb? 0.99987, but that's close enough for most applications.

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? Several. One writes the action plan, the rest arrange a symposium "Coping with Darkness".

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes ten years.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem.

How many safety inspectors does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it, and three to hold the ladder.

How many pimps does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in tight circles.

How many advertising executives does it take to change a light bulb? Interesting question, what do YOU think?

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they merely change the standard to darkness and then they upgrade the customers.

How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Seven, one to screw it in and six to design the T-shirts.

How many bodybuilders does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to do it and two to say, "You're looking huge, man!"

How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb, and one to watch him to make sure he doesn't say 'nipple'.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hit man to club the other skater on the knee.

How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? 1,000,001. One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes them three visits.

How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, one to screw it in, and two to help him down off the keg.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but only if the light bulb really wants to change.

How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.

How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? Six. Why? IT JUST DOES, OKAY??!!

How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete, pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bathtub.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? The bicycle's broken.

How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side.

How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just find the problems, they don't fix them.

How many goths does it take to change a light bulb? None. They prefer everything dark.

How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Sixteen. One to change it, and fifteen to form a support group.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's not funny, pig.

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but he has to wait until the light is better.

How many art students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he gets two credits.

How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to do it and one to say "Huh! My four-year old could've done that!"

How many reference librarians does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, I'll have to check on that and get back to you.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the ladder, and one to change the penis - I mean, er, ah...light bulb.

How many IRS agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it really gets screwed.

How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb? Four, one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.

How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

How many antelopes does it take to change a light bulb? None, they are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source.

How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Fifteen. One to hold the bulb, and the rest to drink whiskey until the room spins.

How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? Oh, Daddy!

How many kids on Ritalin does it take to change a light bulb? Hey, let's go ride bikes!

One. How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?

How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll? Who knows? It's never happened!