To the person who stole my milk:
You should know that it was breast milk.
Luke
The dog shit another condom!
Please be more careful (unless it's your brother)
I know the Dow just dropped 600 pts. But PLEASE don't eat lunches that are not yours. thnx.
If you're going to have naked pics of your ex on your phone, you might not want to make them your background pic + leave your phone open while you shower! I am going for a walk + you better be the FUCK out of my apt by the time I get back. You're a fucking douche-- SHE'S FUCKING FAT! WTF?
Hi,
My name is Jack I accidentally hit your car & someone saw me so I'm pretending to write down my details.
Sorry.
Jack
Dear customers,
We will be closed untill further notice as the chef can't keep his dick in his pants so we can't any staff to stay. Sorry
Dear God.
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick
Lucy
If you use this microwave and make a mess--
CLEAN IT UP
You're momma don't work here
No glove.
No love.
Love,
Mommy
Hey...
First... asshole(s?) don't eat this. Seriously. See the duct tape? It means fuck off. I mean seriously. You are an astoundingly awful human being and I hate you. My room mates hate you. Nemerov hates you. You are probably the same person who ate Danny's pasta. Or Nick's pizza. Go die. There's a 60% chance one of my [gibberish] dragged their balls through the sauce of this. And yes... I will eat this balls flavored pizza. Because that is how much I absolutely hate you.
Arg... fuck you.
2030
FUCK OFF AND DIE
We know its tradition but please stop peeing here.
If you can read this, stop looking in our window, pervert!
Pool's Closed
Due to AIDS and stingrays (who also have AIDS)
Dear residents of 2412 Fulton..., I was dumpster diving and came across the abundance of porn in your trash. I have a friend who would love to have it. However it is now 7:21 and I will miss breakfast if I don't get to the (peoples) park before 8am there is also only one of me currently so I am borrowing your trash can till late this morning. Please don't be alarmed. I promise to return it.
Dear girls of the 8th floor:
Can you be considerate and wrap up your nasty "sanitary napkins" before you throw them away in the little black basket? I do not want to see your bloody filled pad while Im urinating. Be nice and keep your period to YOURSELF, after all I absolutely hate it when Im on my period so why should you broadcast yours!
Sincerely,
A girl who hates blood
(especially from vagina!)
Don't put your rotting donair pizza in the composter!!
From: The vegan
Where else is it supposed to go, soyfucker?
PS Bacon is life
Do not use!
I spit in this (since someone keeps using it)
Thanks!
I spit in it too!
(since you're a jerk!)
Dear Jessica,
You've asked me to stop writing these letters. You've told me they will never change things between us. But I can't, Jessica. I can't just...let you go. Even Darth Vader, an evil Sith lord, couldn't leave his son to die at the end of "Return of the Jedi."
You make me feel so safe, Jessica. So warm. I want to crawl up inside you. Like Luke Skywalker crawled up inside his tauntaun to protect himself from the sub-zero temperatures of Hoth, where the Rebel Alliance was hiding from the Galactic Empire.
Dear Starbucks (Grant Av/Bush St),
I recently had the chance to poop in your restroom and want to thank you for the experience.
It was an emergency.
However, I must say the room exhibited horrible bathroom Feng Shui.
As a basic rule of thumb try to avoid placing a mirror on the opposing wall of the toilet. The average human does not enjoy looking themselves in the eye whilst pooping.
Especially if it's spicy diarrhea like mine was.
Thanks! ---W.
No comments:
Post a Comment