Friday, July 30, 2010

Shannon (the secretary) Lost Her Cat

Shannon (the secretary) lost her cat and has asked David (the graphic designer) to help with a lost poster. This is their email correspondence...


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.
Missy the Cat
This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

What Drinking Will Do To You

Here I present nine animals that have drank various amounts of alchohol, witness the effects, what a grave and urgent warning this is.

6 Beers


Drunk Dog

Friday, July 23, 2010

Weird Purple Soldier Creature Things Have to Catch the Bus Too

Weird Purple Soldier Creature Things Have to Catch the Bus Too

What the Hell, Superman!

Superman, we don't need to know about your weird fetishes ok?


"I apologize for mis-judging you, darling! Now please hurry up and fix that painting! I don't want to look like this!"

"Ha, Ha! I'll fix it only after I've kissed you! I want to know how it feels to kiss a woman who has a mustache!"

"But of course this imaginary adventure will never happen to Lois...or will it?"

I'm Not Moving, Not Budging an Inch

This owl is determined.

Dog Bitten By a Rattlesnake

This dog just looks so sad, and yet also adorable. That is one swollen dogface I'll tell you that.
Dog Bitten By a Rattlesnake

Terrible Touchdown Celebration

This just goes wrong on so many levels.
Terrible Touchdown Celebration

The History of the Beatles

The History of the Beatles

Emo Guido

Emo Guido

Cheeseburger Pizza

Oddly enough, this looks delicious.

cheeseburger

Tiny Cute Lil Octopus Baby


Damn teeny-tiny Octopus baby, you’re cute.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

19 Hilarious Notes You Don't Want to Miss


To the person who stole my milk:
You should know that it was breast milk.

Monday, July 19, 2010

One-Liners - Page Four

One Liners, Page One
One Liners, Page Two
One Liners, Page Three

There's no future in time travel.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

Polynesia - memory loss in parrots.

One-Liners - Page Three

One Liners, Page One
One Liners, Page Two
One Liners, Page Four

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

One-Liners - Page Two

One Liners, Page One
One Liners, Page Three
One Liners, Page Four

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip.

He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.

I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.

I was more nervous than a ceiling fan storeowner with a comb-over.

One-Liners - Page One

One Liners, Page Two
One Liners, Page Three
One Liners, Page Four

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.

I can't get enough minimalism.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?

9 Hilarious and Real Yard Signs

Most people hear “yard sign,” and immediately think of those flimsy paper signs used to support someone’s political campaign. Every few years someone comes knocking on your door wanting to put a sign in your front yard. But sometimes people put signs in their yards to be smartasses, advertise a product, or just out of spite. Check it out.

1.



Look, we’re all entitled to believe in what we want. You believe in the right to bear arms? Great. You don’t? Great.

Hopefully, if you don’t believe in the right to bear arms you don’t live next door this guy. Otherwise, you’re screwed!

Conan O’Brien’s Love/Hate Relationship with the Internet


Back in January Conan O’Brien was supposed to come to San Francisco for a SF Sketchfest Tribute and Q&A about his career. And then, he lost his dream job as he said, “shit really hit the fan” and he had to cancel. He finally made good on that gig last night at the Herbst Theatre in San Francisco, and it was far more revealing than his 60 Minutes interview. I’d gone expecting to hear an “Inside the Actor’s Studio” style retrospective. What we got instead was more than three hours of O’Brian, Patton Oswalt and Andy Richter drinking heavily on stage and talking about how the Internet has utterly ripped the media business in two over the course of their careers.

Video: The greatest corporate viral marketing campaign ever

We’re a couple of days late to this but the sheer ingeniousness of it warrants a thread. Everyone recognizes the Old Spice Guy from the Super Bowl, right? Okay. As a marketing stunt, management decided to put him together with a camera crew, a writing team, and some social-networking nerds and solicit questions from readers on Twitter, Facebook, etc. In rat-a-tat fashion, they wrote, recorded, and uploaded their responses to YouTube as quickly as they could — and ended up with 87 of them in the course of three days. As word got around, they started getting questions from George Stephanopoulos, Demi Moore, Perez Hilton, and so forth; many of the clips received several hundred thousand views and the grand finale is already over a million. The goodwill and celebrity buzz they earned from such a fast, inexpensive display of humor and tech-savvy is off the charts. It’s a master stroke, to the point where I wonder whether any other company will have the stones to mimic them. So identified will this particular genre of ‘Net marketing now be with Old Spice that any emulation will seem like a rip-off.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Light Bulbs

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb, and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it.

How many dieters does it take to change a light bulb? If it's "light", what could be better?

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they only screw in hot tubs.

How many first trumpets does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three: one to screw it in, one to push the ladder out from under him, and one to say how he could have done both jobs so much better.

How many NASCAR drivers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they can only go left.

How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb? Change? Why change?

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None, let her do the dishes in the dark.

How many people with ADD does it take to change a light bulb? I just found a new recipe for Egg Salad!

Bad Interviews

These are true stories of interviews gone very, very wrong.

An applicant said she was a "people person", not a "numbers person", in her interview for an accounting position.

Candidate told the interviewer that he was fired from his last job for beating up his boss.

Applicant smelled his armpits on the way to the interview room.

One candidate asked for a cup of water, took a sip, swished it around in his mouth, and spat into a potted plant.

Prospect said, "Seven handicapped parking spaces next to the front door? What, are you having a wheelchair convention or something?"

Real Insurance Claims

These are actual statements given to claims adjusters. Have fun!

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

Going to work this morning, I drove out of my driveway straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.

Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.

I realized the engine was on fire from the smoke under the hood. I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.

I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.

Everything You Need to Know About Business

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and hours are lost.

If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will.

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

Grandmas Gone Wild

Grandmas Gone Wild

Real and Funny Bumper Stickers

My car is a status symbol. The symbol of me being poor!

I may be fat, but you're ugly - and I can diet.

I have PMS and a handgun. Any questions?

JESUS SAVES, he passes to Noah who shoots and SCORES!

Where am I going? And why am I in a handbasket?

JESUS SAVES at Banco de Mexico

My next car is a Bentley*. [* conditions apply]

Insanity: a small price to pay for sheer brilliance!

Heavily medicated for your safety.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Weird But True Baseball Injuries

Infielder Chris Brown missed a game because he "slept on his eye funny".

Pitcher Adam Eaton stabbed himself in the stomach as he was using a knife to open a DVD wrapper.

Sammy Sosa was disabled after a violent sneeze.

Pitcher Jeff Juden missed a start because a tattoo he got prior to the season opener got infected.

Reliever Randy Flores was put on the disabled list - while removing his socks after a game, a large patch of skin also came off.

DH Mickey Tettleton went on the disabled list with athlete's foot. The story is that he tied his shoes too tight.

Utility infielder Bret Barberie missed a game because he mistakenly rubbed chili juice in his eyes.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Quotes from Real Resumes, Cover Letters, and Appraisals

Quotes from Real Resumes and Cover Letters:
1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The 50 Best/Worst Childhood Fads

They were the best of fads, they were the worst of fads—all at the same time. The faddish objects or our childhood were sometimes loved and sometimes hated but they were hard to ignore. Here are a list of the 50 best/worst from the 1960s to today:


1. Beanie Babies
What made it the best: You and your friends loved collecting them.
What made it the worst: Old ladies loved collecting them too.

2. Bratz Dolls
What made it the best: 559 different dolls to choose from.
What made it the worst: They all looked like strippers.

3. Cabbage Patch Dolls
What made it the best: You got a birth certificate certifying when you “adopted” them.
What made it the worst: They were just an overpriced stuffed doll.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Mitch Hedberg Quotes Part 3 of 3

Mitch Hedberg Quotes Part 1
Mitch Hedberg Quotes Part 2


I was at a concert in LA, and the band was having an off night, and some people in the audience started throwing tomatoes at the band. Now who would throw tomatoes at the band? That's bad. But who would bring a tomato to a show? That's worse. Don't throw tomatoes at the band. What if they really like tomatoes? They'll think you're enjoying the show. "You guys are great - here's a tomato!" The tomato is the universal sign for not enjoying a performance. Plus I like it on sandwiches! I had the guy at Subway put tomatoes on my sandwich because I didn't like the way he was making it. I don't know what that meant there. That was ad-libbed.

I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!"

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."

Mitch Hedberg Quotes Part 2 of 3

Mitch Hedberg Quotes Part 1
Mitch Hedberg Quotes Part 3

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Screw that, I'll just make a copy!"

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer; she made it half-way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades

Fail



lolcats



Top Ten Signs Your Name is Ed
10.Lots of times when people see you, they say, "Hi, Ed."
9.You receive junk mail that reads: "You may already have won, Ed."
8.When your girlfriend breaks up with you, the letter begins "Dear Ed..."
7.Hippies who attend all your concerts are known as "Edheads."
6.Let's say you're playing baseball. You're the shortstop and there's a pop up between you and the third baseman. You drift under it to make the catch when suddenly the third baseman comes over and says, "I got it, Ed."
5.Your name rhymes with red, but it's not Fred, Ted or Ned.
4.You always get a friendly slap on the back and knowing wink whenever you run into Ed Asner.
3.It seems like every time you get hit on the head with something, it's right after someone yells "Look out, Ed!"
2.You embark on a career in rap music as Snoop Doggy Ed.
1.You sign all of your letters to Penthouse, "Jim".




Motivational Posters



WTF



Funny Animals



The Gambler
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"



Funny Pics



Mitch Hedberg Quotes Part 1 of 3

Quotes and Jokes from Mitch Hedberg, one of the funniest guys who ever lived:

Mitch Hedberg Quotes Part 2
Mitch Hedberg Quotes Part 3

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"


This Cat Will Let You Do ANYTHING to Him

Cats Dont Care Photographs



And I shall call him… Vegetable Head:

Lettuce Head Wig Cat

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Fail



lolcats



Top Ten Signs Arnold Schwarzenegger is Getting Older
10.He's been triggering explosions with The Clapper
9.After day of shooting action scenes, entire set smells like Ben Gay
8.Over two dozen times in "Eraser," he says, "You'll have to speak up"
7.Instead of shooting bad guys, challenges them to $10 game of shuffleboard
6.For "Terminator 3," he's been replaced by this guy (roll videotape)
5.Recently switched from steroids to Metamucil
4.Special effects in latest movie provided by Sy Sperling
3.Bulging chest muscles really just a Wonderbra
2.Catch phrase changed from "I'll be back" to "Oh, my back!"
1.His stunt double: Bob Dole



Motivational Posters



WTF



Funny Animals



Englishmen and an Irishman
One day, there were three Englishmen in an English bar, and they saw an Irishman sitting down drinking, and they decided to play a trick on him and the first Englishman said to the Irishman, "Did you know St. Patrick was a sissy?" The Irishman said, "No, I didn't." The first Englishman went back and told his friends it didn't work. The second Englishman went up to the Irishman and said, "Did you know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?" The Irishman said, "No, I didn't." The Englishman went back and told his friends it didn't work. The third Englishman went to the Irishman and said, "Did you know that St. Patrick was an Englishman? The Irishman said, "No, I didn't. But that's what your friends were trying to tell me."



Funny Pics



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...