Monday, June 7, 2010

My Graduation Speech to Rochester University

Recently I was invited to give a speech to the graduating class of Rochester U., an honor indeed. Here is the transcript of the speech, please feel free to share with those who may need an inspirational boost.

Here is the speech in its entirety:

"Do you think you're better then me?! HUH?! I've eaten poops more relevant then you. Ooh look at you, all fancy with your fancy little degrees and your fancy square hats. You know what you are? Crap, that's what you are.

I remember when I was eight years old, and my teacher told my mother that if I didn't stop chewing on the desks she was going to have to leave me back a grade. Did that discourage me? HUH?? The answer is yes, this is why I never graduated 2nd grade.

This is a story with a moral, class of 2010. The moral is, just because the light is yellow and ABOUT to turn red, that doesn't mean you have to stop. By the law if it's yellow you can nail that suckin' gas pedal to the suckin' floor.

Remember this.

And while you're at it, remember when you first learned how to whistle? I do. My grandfather was teaching me, and every time I tried to whistle I ended up spitting all over him. And he was a gentle, patient man, with nice feet. After beating me with a coffee can he would give me yet another chance. I never learned how to whistle, but looking back I do feel as though I would have had a better chance if I hadn't started out by hocking up a loogie.

When I was in the military I would never ask how to do anything, and when anybody would ask me an important question I would never tell them. Turns out I had badly misinterpreted the intent of Don't Ask Don't Tell.

I wish I was an ESPN guy who did the sports stuff on Sportscenter. I have a few really good catchphrases I would say. For example:
"Whoa he put dat there ball in the round cylinder thing, hoo wa!"
"That guy with the football really caught it! Am I right Bob? Say yes Bob. Say it. Damn it Bob why do you do this to me on national television? You know I am trying. Screw you Bob."
"Himiniy jiminiy puttaroo, Tiger!"
"Smack some grease on that bacon!"
"I just puked out of excitement over that touchdown. Excuse me I really am serious, I have a piece of tomato lodged in my throat right now, and it is really gross because it doesn't taste completely like a tomato, it tastes like a tomato dunked in throw up."

One time I decided to become really, really fat on purpose. I wanted to test society's tolerance of fat people, so I ballooned up to 320 pounds and walked around town pushing people down and accusing them of hating fat people. I really found out how prejudiced against fat people our society is, and it's very sad.

So, in conclusion Class of 2010, I really hate you, and you are not better then me.

This has been another episode of The Phoolish Report.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...