Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Megapost 6/02/2010



Now illegal in 16 states and the District of Columbia.
Now illegal in 16 states and the District of Columbia.

Apple Laptop Decal
Apple Laptop Decal

Hey Jenn, my HDTV manual wants to ask you something...
Hey Jenn, my HDTV manual wants to ask you something...




* Drunk, half naked in a tree is no way to be caught by the "Parent Party Patrol", son

* Motorbike champion, 76, with one eye, an artificial hip and a pacemaker says he has nothing to lose

* Freakin' knives: How do they work?

* Your airline security might need improvements if they issue a plane ticket for Osama Bin Laden

* Illegal immigrants count towards US census tallies... even if they're in detention facilities awaiting deportation

* US high-level nuclear waste continues to be stored in temporary above-ground casks, which are temporary much the way your brother-in-law sleeping in the guest room is temporary

* Cigarettes are more cancer-y than previously thought

* Help me, I'm a whore

* While you may think it's common sense to put your important tax documents and child support paperwork in a flood-proof container, the state of Illinois didn't think so, and now thousands of files are damaged and unreadable

* Scientist mathematically proves giraffes can swim. Up next: can pigs fly?

* You don't have to get your wisdom teeth taken out, except when you have to get them taken out. Hope this helps

* After a man goes blind trying to descend Mt. Everest, his fellow mountain climbers risk their lives making sure he made it back safely. Just kidding. The abandoned him and left him to die

* Unemployed food critic on foodstamps, finds Wolfgang Puck's Frozen Pizza "doughy with sad vegatables and dry cheese"

* Three Germans killed in Allied bombing. This is not a repeat from 1944

* Man with .32 BAC charged with DUI, improper use of children as hood ornaments

* James Bond's original Aston Martin is up for sale, complete with a bulletproof shield, oil jets, and smoke machine. If this can't get you laid, nothing will

* So last decade: Flesh-eating bacteria. New and hot: Flesh-eating cocaine. This blows

* Look, that V-22 Osprey is landing, that's so cool. Wow, those rotors are kicking up quite a OH MY GOD IT HURTS MAKE IT STOP

* "Top Kill" having failed, federal officials solicit ideas for capping oil spill from such noted experts as... "Titanic" director James Cameron?

* Among the "humanitarian" aid found on the Gaza flotilla was a cache of therapeutic bullet-proof vests, medicinal gas masks, and prescription night-vision goggles


Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Graduating College

10.You once tried to eat a book
9."F" wasn't bad enough -- school added a "G" grade just for you
8.Camps suggested you get a 30-year mortgage on your dorm room
7.You're the only sophomore with tenure
6.Professors all agree -- you're dumb
5.When you ask what time graduation is, people just kinda laugh
4.Most of your freshman class passed away
3.You form a study group to figure out how to get to the library
2.Only periodic elements you can name: "Sodium" and "Low Sodium"
1.Just woke up from a party you went to in October 2008

Smithsonian Institute, Paleoanthropology Letter of Rejection

Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078 16-July-1998

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull."

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago."

Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:

The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

1 - The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

2 - Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.

To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino."

Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly.

You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it.

We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

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