Monday, October 8, 2001

So this lady is checking out at the grocery store...

...and she's buying one frozen dinner, one steak, one piece of fruit, one can of soup, etc. As she's paying the cashier says to her "You're single, aren't you?" She laughs and says, "Yeah, how could you tell?" to which he replies "Because you're fucking ugly."

what did kermit the frog say after jim henson died?


What's invisible and smells like carrots?

bunny farts

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

You 'neak up on it!

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, you 'neak up on it!

How do you spot a jerkface?

Look in the mirror, jerkface!

What do you call someone that hates not having bread?

Lack-Toast intolerant!

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Fish.
A: To get to the other side.

Did you hear they're making a movie about constipation?

It doesn't come out for awhile...

And another:
You: You hear about that actress that stabbed that guy recently. Reese something, ummmm.
Your friend: Witherspoon?
You: No, with her knife you stupid piece of crap

Did you hear about the cannibal...

... who passed his friend in the jungle?

Did you hear about the mathematician with constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Did you hear Johny had a bad car accident?

Apparently they had to amputate his left arm and leg.

Holy shit! Is he ok?

Yeah, the doctor says he's all right now.

Did you hear they're making a movie about diarrhea?

It's set for an early release.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He just couldn't "budge-it".

What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair!

Suicide Bombers Threaten Strike Action

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement..

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like's too much to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

Woman 1 turns to woman 2 and says, "Susan! You're here too? How'd you die?"

Susan: "Beverly! Yep, I'm dead. I froze to death."

Beverly: "That sounds horrible..."

Susan: "No, actually it's quite peaceful. Once you get past the cold, you just fall asleep and die. What about you? How'd you die?

Beverly: "Oh, I had a heart attack."

Susan: "Really? What happened?"

Beverly: "I was certain my husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But when I got home, I found him in the den, watching TV."

Susan: "And...?"

Beverly: "I was so sure there was another woman, I ran around the house frantically searching. I checked the attic, the basement, under all the beds, in all the closets. Eventually, I just keeled over and died from a massive heart attack."

Susan: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive."

What do a short-sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So, they buried Susie.

Today I fired my secretary today because...

Yesterday was my 40th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday", As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any "Happy Birthday". I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" "Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake

----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing "Happy Birthday". And I just sat there ---- on the couch ----


At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?""Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.""Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way."

What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?""Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.""I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?""Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

What is hard and six inches long?

my pen is

A priest and a rabi are on a walk together when the pass a schoolyard with children playing in it.

The priest says, "Should we fuck them?" The rabbi says "Out of what?"

Clinton, Nixon, and Carter are on a sinking ship.

Nixon says, "women and children first". Carter says "Fuck the women and children". Clinton says "Is there enough time".

Three people, an alcoholic, a lady smoking addict and one nymphomaniac guy

...go to a clinic to find out how their addictions are affecting their health. The doctor tells them that if they indulge in their bad habits one more time, they will all die.

So they get out of the clinic looking pretty depressed, and as they are walking down the street, they pass by a bar. The alcoholic says "I don't care if I am going to die, I just need to have one more bourbon on the rocks." He goes in and orders one and as soon as he drinks it, he drops dead. The smoker and the nymphomaniac just keep walking down the street. Suddenly they see a half-smoked, still-lit cigarette lying on the sidewalk. The nymphomaniac turns to the smoker woman and says: "If you bend down to pick it up, we are both dead."

Thoughts from 25-35 year olds

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and I instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

How To Get Hired At Walmart

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

Evil Overlord Handbook Parts 1 through 7

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?” my reply will be, "No, just sensible."

8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No" and shoot him.

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push." The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough not to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such. There will be no Plug.

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident - I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it anyway.

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, it gives me the opportunity to kill him while he is distracted.

33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.

34. I will never build only one of anything important. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

35. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.

36. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

37. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.

38. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

39. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptivly put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

40. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

41. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.

42. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

43. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

44. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

45. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

46. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

47. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

48. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

49. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

50. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

51. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

52. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

53. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

54. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed. Those that take more than two seconds to respond will be killed either way.

55. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. Not that the key will be anywhere near the hero.

56. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans. I will then lie to her, and see if she betrays me.

57. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

58. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talisman.

59. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random, totally reliable underling.

60. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?” I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

61. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

62. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

63. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

64. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh power books. They will also have a virus protection program -- just in case.

65. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

66. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

67. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

68. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!" I will say "Oh well'' and kill her.

69. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

70. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

Saying Goodbye to Mother


You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.


1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ? I dunno, why do we?


An Attorney was riding home in his limo and noticed two men sitting on the side of the road eating grass, he told his driver to stop and investigate.

His driver went to the two men and asked, sirs why are you eating grass? The first man replied, I have no money and must eat grass. The driver told the Attorney. The Attoorney would not hear of it and said come to my house and I will feed you. The man stated, sir I have a wife and three children, and then the second man spoke up and said I have a wife and six children. The Attorney says it is ok bring them all, there is enough for everyone.

It takes about twenty minutes to get everyone into the car and they are on their way.Shortly after the two men are totally overtaken and are saying to the Attorney, sir I do not know how to thank you and we are not able to repay you, thank you for your kindness. The Attorney says to them do not worry about it, it is fine and plenty for everyone. You will love my house, the grass is about two feet high.

Why guys have it better

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about guns.

A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You get extra credit for the slightest acts of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Wedding dress: $2,000; Tuxedo rental: $75

Your underwear cost $10 for a three pack.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without thinking, “He must be mad at me.”

Grey hair and wrinkles add character.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong friends.

Your pals will never trap you with, “So, notice anything different?”

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle last for years, even decades.

A few belches are expected and tolerated.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can”do” your nails with a pocketknife.


These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.




WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?



ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Worldwide Survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.


Proof that humanity will die off, not because of war or plague or Armageddon, but because of one thing: Stupidity. THESE ARE TRUE LAWSUITS... YOU CAN LOOK THEM UP IF YOU WISH!


10) DUDE, THAT WAS MY CHANCE TO HANG 10.... A surfer recently sued another surfer for "taking his wave." The case was ultimately dismissed because they were unable to put a price on "pain and suffering" endured by watching someone ride the wave that was "intended for you."

9)DYING FOR A COKE... Sometimes, being frugal can cost you more than anticipated. While apparently trying to steal a soft drink from a vending machine in 1998, 19-year-old Kevin Mackle was rocking it dangerously. Suddenly, the weight shift was too hot to handle and the contraption fell on him. The man died following the accident. His relatives sued Coca-Cola Co., two other companies, and Bishop's University in Lennoxville, Quebec (for about $660,000 US in damages and funeral costs) alleging that the machine was not secured and bore no warning signs.

8) A COSTLY BREAK-UP A jury awarded $178,000 in damages to a woman who sued her former fiance' for breaking their seven-week engagement. The breakdown: $93,000 for pain & suffering; $60,000 for loss of income from her legal practice, and $25,000 for psychiatric counseling expenses.

7) KILLER BIOGRAPHY A writer was sued for $60 million dollars after writing a book about a convicted Orange County serial killer. Although the inmate is on death row, he claimed that he was innocent in all 16 murders, so the characterization of him as a serial killer was false, misleading and "defamed his good name". In addition, he claimed those falsehoods would cause him to be "shunned by society and unable to find decent employment" once he returned to private life. The case was thrown out in a record 46 seconds, but only after $30,000 in legal fees were incurred by the writer's publisher.

6) WATER-PROOF SEATBELT This one is sad because it involves the drowning of a Honda. This drunk girl drove into Galveston Bay in Texas. Her friend got out alive but the drunk driver was too drunk to unfasten her seatbelt. So she died. So naturally, her parents sued Honda for manufacturing a seat belt that cannot be easily unbuckled by a drunk driver who is under water.

5) I PREDICT SUNNY WITH A CHANCE OF STUPIDITY.... A woman in Israel is suing a TV station and its weatherman for $1,000 after he predicted a sunny day and it rained. The woman claims the forecast caused her to leave home lightly dressed. As a result, she caught the flu, missed 4 days of work, spent $38 on medication and suffered stress.

4) BEER CHICKS (not included with purchase of beer) A man sued Anheuser-Busch for $10,000. Why? False advertising. Dude claimed that unlike their beer commercials would suggest, drinking their brand of beer did not cause bikini girls to suddenly break into a volleyball game and invite him back to their hotel room. Yes, this lawsuit was actually filed in a court of law.

THE TOP 3....oooooh This is getting exciting.....

3) TURNED GAY AFTER REAR-END COLLISION A 27-year-old man from Michigan was involved in a rear-end collision. Four years later, he sued the owners of the truck that was responsible for the accident. Having suffered minor injuries, he stated that from then on, his sexual relationship with his wife deteriorated, as he was unable to maintain their sex life. He claimed that he had been so affected by the crash that his personality had been forever changed. In fact, he maintained that the accident turned him into a homosexual. He left his wife, moved in with his parents, began hanging out in gay bars, and became a fervent reader of gay literature. He won his case and was awarded $200,000, while his wife received $25,000.

2) OVERSTUFFED (with bullshit) A couple is suing Wal-Mart for injuries they claim were caused by canned goods and condiments that tumbled from an overfilled plastic grocery bag.

The bag broke when the couple, Ronald and Brenda Sager, were unloading their groceries at home. Brenda suffered “cracked and damaged toenails” and also claims to have a broken foot and ligament damage from the incident.

Brenda is suing Wal-Mart for $30,000.

Ronald also decided to get in the game, and he’s suing them for an additional $30,000 because “during Brenda’s healing process, he was deprived of her comfort and her attention.”

AND #1 is... MICHAEL J. look a like. A man’s suing Michael Jordan and Nike founder Phil Knight for a combined $832 million. I almost died when I heard about this ludicrous lawsuit: “I’m constantly being accused of looking like Michael and it makes it very uncomfortable for me,” said Heckard. Heckard is suing Jordan for defamation and permanent injury and emotional pain and suffering. He’s suing Knight for defamation and permanent injury for promoting Jordan and making him one of the most recognized men in the world. “Even when I go to the gym I’m being accused of playing ball like him (Jordan), said Heckard.”



An inmate filed a $5 million lawsuit against himself (he claimed that he violated his own civil rights by getting arrested) -- then asked the state to pay because he has no income in jail. He said, "I want to pay myself $5 million dollars, but ask the state to pay it on my behalf since I can't work and am a ward of the state." The judge was not impressed by his ingenuity, and dismissed the suit as frivolous.

Well I hope you enjoyed seeing how stupid we have become. Now if you excuse me I have to sue McDonalds because their Big Macs made me fat!

A Bird Named Steve

There once was a man named Paul. He was very quiet and nice and never yelled or sweared.

He had a bird named Steve. Steve was very rude. He was always burping, yelling, or cursing.

One day, Paul just had enough of Steve's nonsense. So he grabbed steve by the neck and threw him in the freezer. Paul could hear the sound of Steve kicking and screaming and cussing through the freezer door. All of a sudden, the noise stopped.

Paul thought that he hurt the bird, so he went over to his fridge and opened up his feezer. Steve hopped out onto Paul's shoulder, and looked him in the eyes.

"I am so very sorry for my terrible behavior. You are very kind to take care of me, and if you could find it in you heart to forgive me, I would appreciate it very much," Steve said.

"It's okay, Steve. I am sorry for doing that to you," said Paul.

"No harm done," Steve said.

Steve looked back at the freezer for a moment. "By the way, what did the Turkey do?"

Easy Chicken Recipe

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for people like me who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

4 - 5 lb. Chicken 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing 1 cup uncooked popcorn Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing mixed with popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's Ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room and lands on the table, it's done and ready to eat.

And you thought I couldn't cook

The Silent Fart

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through he leans over and says to his wife, "I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?"

She replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Purina diet

I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn' t because I' d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I' d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I 'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I ' d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door
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