Tuesday, October 8, 1996

Top Ten Things That Will Get You On The Evening News

10.Drink Windex until you see a U.F.O.
9.Become famous in the field of the arts, sciences, politics, or what have you; then pass away
8.Get elected President and let your wife run the country while you eat non-stop
7.Retire from your 75-million dollar a year job in the NBA to catch up on Donahue
6.Ask Janet Reno out on a date. Actually show up.
5.Marry Sonny and Cher
4.Add an "e" to potato
3.Host late-night talk show, then get pulled over for speeding
2.Beat the crap out of Barney in a texas shopping mall
1.Two words: tarmac haircut

Top Ten Reasons We're Doing Late Show in Los Angeles

10.New York was shut down for a really good cleaning.
9.Wanted to be closer to my nephews Lyle and Erik
8.Ed Sullivan Theater filled with rats the size of ponies
7.We're hoping to see Jack Nicholson go nuts on the freeway with a nine iron.
6.Madonna is in New York.
5.Time difference means I can stay up three hours later playing with my kitties.
4.Needed to give woman who keeps breaking into my house some time to herself
3.I had to come clean Johnny Carson's pool.
2.Wanted to be first to get speeding ticket on newly reopened Santa Monica Freeway
1.Three words: It's bitchin' dude.

Top Ten Signs You've Chosen a Bad Plastic Surgeon

10.Your nose is attached with velcro.
9.In the operating room, you notice a lot of cans of Play-doh.
8.Your new cheek implants feel suspiciously like ketchup packets.
7.Paper bags with eyeholes for sale in the reception area
6.His waiting room is crawling with Jacksons.
5.After several minutes in the sun your forehead melts.
4.At first visit, he nervously asks, "You didn't see '60 Minutes' last Sunday, did you?"
3.The last thing you hear as you go under anesthetic is, "Sweet dreams, Mr. Face-on-your-ass!"
2.You're a guy, you go in for a nose job, and you come out a 36 Triple D.
1.Your name is Cher.

Top Ten Rejected Neil Armstrong Moon Landing Lines

10.One small step for man. Ten million frequent flyer miles for me.
9.When I spit, it floats upward.
8.This is the corniest thing I've ever done.
7.A special thank you to a youngster named Dave Letterman who knit us the lovely space socks.
6.Hey, I can see Rush Limbaugh from here!
5.Are you watching, Dorothy Shinbach? Would you go to the prom with me now Dorothy Shinbach?
4.I'm taking one giant leak for mankind.
2.I'm Mr. Galakawitz. You mean Dr. Galakawitz. Yes I am.
1.Aieee! Moon weasels!

Top Ten President Clinton's Recurring Nightmares

10.It's a gigantic town hall meeting, and everyone is Sam Donaldson.
9.For some reason, everyone starts calling him "Mr. Dukakis."
8.Drifting in a lifeboat with Richard Simmons
7.People find out about that old Whitewater deal.
6.During press conference, can't stop saying (no).
5.Something to do with Gore in a sundress and pumps
4.He's in an operating room and surgeon is Socks, and he's still steamed about being neutered.
3.Some dweeb with a lame talk show will keep making fun of my love of French fries.
2.Can't get Streisand tickets
1.Can't get Streisand.

Top Ten Reasons the U.S. Is the Best Country on Earth

10.No dress code
9.We've invented this cool holiday where all we do is blow up stuff.
8.Even a really, really dumb guy can host a talk show.
7.Guess what nation drank the most root beer last year? France? Think again, buddy!
6.Barney can beat the crap out of Mr. Blobby.
5.You can go to any Gap and try on as many pants as you want.
4.In other countries, you have to choose between breakfast and lunch. In America, we've got a little something called "brunch."
3.Even a swollen-faced hillbilly can become president.
2.We're on the cutting edge of Thighmaster technology
1.Life, liberty, and Oprah

Top Ten Excuses For Filing Your Taxes Late

10.Thought late fees would make a nice deduction
9.H Block finished on time, but R Block was a little slow.
8.Finished entire Pepperidge Farm chocolate layer cake; got sleepy
7.Think about it: The longer you make the I.R.S. wait for your returns, the more excited they'll be when they finally get 'em!
6.Was busy playing ping pong with Carol Channing
5.Still waiting to hear from Ed McMahon about that million dollar thing
4.Got nasty paper cut from 1040 form, passed out for three days from blood loss
3.Math is real hard, dude.
2.I was working around-the-clock to try and keep Tom and Roseanne together.
1.My friend Leona said I didn't have to.

Top Ten Reasons Tom and Roseanne are Getting Back Together

10.Tom made a really delicious sandwich.
9.To show off their new "Hey, we reconciled!" tattoos
8.According to pre-nuptial agreement, divorce would have meant caning in Singapore
7.Well, it's not for more publicity, that's for sure. You can bet the house on that, Jim!
6.She loves how before coming to bed he kicks his underwear onto his head.
5.Every time one of them tried to storm out, (he, she) got wedged in the door frame.
4.She's the cheese, he's the eggs; together they're a love omelette.
3.A heartfelt plea from Boutros-Boutros Ghali
2.A heartfelt plea from Pizza Hut, Inc.

Top Ten U.S. Soccer Team Excuses

10.Got a hold of some bad World Cup chowder
9.Kept getting heckled by Spike Lee
8.Brazilians released horrible stinging bugs from the rain forest
7.Really sleepy from stuff in "Good Luck" gift basket sent by Dwight Gooden
6.Remembered we're Americans and that it's OK to suck at soccer if you're American
5.Afraid if we beat Brazil, Brazilians would get depressed, not work as hard, and coffee prices would go up
4.Us: Players named Jim. Them: Players named Pablo. You figure it out, Sherlock.
3.Who can think about a dumb game when Sirajul and Mujibur are going coast-to-coast?
2.Goalie distracted when he saw his wife sitting with Bob Barker
1.Everywhere we looked -- Brazilians!

Top Ten Rejected QVC Items

10.Cuckoo clock that every hour says "Buy more junk"
9.The Andy Rooney eyebrow rake
8.Donahue wig and glasses combo
7.Audio cassette of Dan Rather making prank phone calls to neighbors
6.Dwight Gooden's mystery package
5.Dave Letterman's collection of wrestling magazines
4.Half-finished sodas from around the QVC offices
3.New York City cab driver scented air freshener
2.The Bob Barker home neutering kit
1.Cubic craponia

Top Ten Pet Peeves of the World's Wealthiest Man

10.Can never get change for a billion
9.Way your kids snicker whenever you say "Money doesn't grow on trees"
8.Demi Moore won't really sleep with you for a million dollars.
7.Shoplifting not as exciting as it used to be
6.While making a deposit at the bank, Spike Lee heckles you.
5.On birthday, getting yet another "World's wealthiest man" coffee mug
4.There isn't some ultra-expensive top grade of Kraft macaroni and cheese for the super-rich.
3.Always finding Robin Leach passed out in your hot tub
2.Constantly being asked out by Tom Arnold
1.Can't afford Streisand tickets

Top Ten Ways the U.S. Would Be Different If the Next President Were a Dog

10.Doggy door on oval office
9.At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President," reporters would shout, "Here fella!"
8.Goodbye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal
7.Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant
6.U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy
5.Public enemy #1: That neutering bastard Bob Barker
4.Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon
3.Country really run by dog's smarter poodle wife
2.Here's your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking x-mas jingle)
1.One word: sausage-gate

Top Ten Rejected CBS 12:30 Shows

10.The Courtship of Elvis' Daughter
9.Larry King Pantsless
8.Rescue 411--Directory Assistance Operators in Trouble
7.Some Weird Old Cable Dude with Giant Sideburns ("I'm sorry-that one wasn't rejected")
6.Dave Letterman's World of Animal Noises
5.Dan Rather Reads the News in a Jamaican Accent
4.Bob Barker's Love Connection
3.Big and Tall Models, Inc.
2.Can a Guy in a Bear Suit Nail Madonna?
1.Pajama Party with Lyle and Erik

Top Ten Signs Your Local Anchorman is Nuts

10.His so-called "co-anchor" is a six-pack of Bud.
9.Most of the stories from the local police involve him.
8.At least once per broadcast, publicly proposes to Susan Powter
7.After every story, he frantically washes his hands.
6.Puts on woman's wig and introduces self as "Connie Rather"
5.When local sports teams lose, he bursts into tears.
4.Wears big plastic cone around neck to keep him from nipping at microphone
3.Ends every newscast by screaming: "Goodnight mommy!"
2.Starts newscast over so he can be introduced with smoke, lights and dancing girls
1.All he's wearing is a necktie.

Top Ten Ways to Tell that the NYC Cop Arresting you is a Playboy Playmate

10.Grills you for two hours about your "turn ons" and "turn offs"
9.Tells you, "You have a right to remain naked"
8.Her badge number is 38 double "D"
7.She restrains you with her cleavage
6.For the first time in your life, you enjoy being handcuffed
5.When she signs her name on your summons, dots "I"s with a happy face
4.Says "Book 'im, Hef"
3.You find yourself praying to be strip searched
2.Her partner says, "Spread 'em" and she does
1.First words: "This is a bust!"

Top Ten Good Things About Being Married to Michael Jackson

10.When you get a few years older, good advice on plastic surgeons.
9.White sequined glove prevents greasy fingerprints on fridge.
8.Fun to say, "Honey, could you moonwalk over to the Stop 'n' Shop for a quart of milk?"
7.After a day with the Jacksons, suddenly your Presley relatives seem normal.
6.None of those annoying demands for sex.
5.His squeaky ultrasonic voice keeps away mice.
4.As king of pop, gets a 10% dinner discount at participating Red Lobster restaurants.
3.If he comes home with lipstick on his collar, you can be pretty sure it's his own.
2.Never have to throw out leftovers with Liz dropping by.
1.Three words: Christmas with Tito!

Top Ten Rejected Forrest Gump Sayings

10.Clinton is, as Clinton does.
9.My name is Forrest Sawyer.
8.Who's the black private dick that's the sex machine to all the chicks? Gump!
7.Yabba Dabba Duhhhhh
6.Jenny and me, we're like Tonya and Gillooly
5.Mama always told me, 'Just about anyone can get himself a talk show.'
4.You are correct, oh great one.
3.Man, did I look goofy on that old 'Love Boat' episode.
2.Life is like a date with Madonna. You never know what you're going to get.
1.Mama always said, 'Bite me.'

Top Ten Ways to Tell It's Summer at the White House

10.Three words: shirtless cabinet meetings
9.Reagan found wandering around east wing wearing Santa suit
8.Guys from Pentagon install 465 million dollar bug zapper.
7.Mike Dukakis shows up at front gate with his lawnmower.
6.Wherever Ted Kennedy goes, he leaves a sluglike trail of sweat.
5.Bob Dole nearly killed by "mysterious" falling air conditioner
4.Roger spends day drinking case of Bud Light, trying to pronounce "Galazkiewicz."
3.Hillary helps Chelsea make $100,000 selling lemonade.
2.President constantly asking Hillary to rub suntan lotion on his pasty white thighs
1.Gore is panting like a beagle.

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Presley Wedding

10.Family to the left, plastic surgeons to the right
9.She could've used a little more of his eye-liner.
8.I bet they didn't have to get married.
7.I'll have to ask you to check your snake at the door, La Toya.
6.I'm sorry, I can't find a Brooke Shields on the guest list, ma'am.
5.There's that strange whirring sound again -- as if some deceased rock star were spinning in his grave.
4.I got you some his and hers towels. Split 'em up however you like.
3.I'm Mr. Tito Jackson. You mean Dr. Tito Jackson? Yes I am.
2.Ahhh! The ghost of Elvis is eating all the cake -- oh, it's just Liz Taylor.
1.I just heard on the weather channel -- hell froze over.

Top Ten Ways Hillary Clinton Can Raise Her Popularity

10.Cattle futures for everybody
9.Quick fling with Bob Barker
8.Go on "Larry King Live" and snap that guy's suspenders so hard his toupee falls off.
7.Get out there and fix potholes like the Mayor of New York does.
6.Take a long ride in white Bronco.
5.Grow a giant beard like ZZ Top -- them guys is superstars!
4.Call Rush Limbaugh while he's on the air and say, "Can it, fat boy."
3.Call for Congressional hearings to get to the bottom of this Michael Jackson-Lisa Marie Presley thing.
2.Did somebody say "Wonderbra?"
1.Fire Bill.

Top Ten Signs You're on a Bad Cruise

10.Lavish buffet turns out to be three bags of Doritos and a quart of Pepsi.
9.Welcome aboard drink made with tetracycline and erythromycin
8.When you ask the cruise director where the lifeboat is, he points to a fat guy.
7.It's 10 AM, and Captain Hazelwood has a thermos full of martinis.
6.Not only is Kathie Lee there, but also that elephant that tramples people.
5.Ship doctor only qualified to give tattoos
4.You have to share a room with Captain Stubing.
3.Gopher is an actual gopher.
2.You wake up with barnacles all over your ass.
1.Name of the boat: The S.S. Amtrak

Top Ten George Bush's Complaints About Dan Quayle's Book

10.Frequent misuse of the word "weenie"
9.Thought "Forrest Gump" was a more accurate portrayal of Quayle's life
8.In book, Quayle claims he was President and "George Bush" was his yappy little pet chihuahua
7.Calls Letterman a jerk, when in fact he's a dork
6.Wasn't appropriate to include nude photos of Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly
5.Keeps referring to Barbara as "Jolly Old Saint Nick"
4.Wrote about what a pleasure it was to serve with President Dana Carvey
3.Criticized Bush for choosing an idiot for Vice President
2.That completely fabricated anecdote in which Bush sees Quayle in the locker room and says, "Danny boy, you're one sexy bastard!"
1.Couldn't find Waldo

Top Ten Things Overheard at President Clinton's High School Reunion

10.More Whitewater Punch, Mr. President?
9.President Clinton rubbed up against me. How much do you think I could sue for?
8.Howsabout lowering taxes for you old gym class buddy?
7.So I suggested to the student council: Screw bake sales! Let's just tax the bastards!
6.So, Bill, do you plan to move back to Arkansas in 1996?
5.Screw the deficit -- time to mambo!
4.Well, Mr. Bully isn't so tough now that I control nuclear weapons. Is he?
3.Anybody have any idea what the hell Reagan's doing here?
2.Hey, lard ass. How's that health care crap going?
1.Run for your lives! He's got the saxophone!

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Academy Awards.

10.Check it out--Siskel's sitting on Ebert's lap.
9.And the winner is--Owww! paper cut!.
8.I can't believe it! That's nine Oscars for 'Sister Act II'.
7.Heads up! Jack Nicholson's got a nine iron!.
6.And now ladies and gentlemen, what you've been waiting for--that weird old coot who does the one-armed push ups!.
5.Ace Ventura Pet Detective, Ernest. Ernest, Ace Ventura Pet Detective.
4.Will that be snubbing or non-snubbing, Miss Streisand.
3.Is that another aftershock or did Marlon Brando just walk in?.
2.And the Oscar goes to Burt Reynolds for 'Cop and a Half'...just kidding Burt! Sit your silly ass down.
1.Check it out--Siskel's sitting on Ebert's lap.

Top Ten Signs the Easter Bunny's Nuts

10.Hides all the eggs in his pants
9.Bite me shaved into the fur on his back
8.Last Tuesday, doctors removed 17 pounds of plastic Easter grass from his stomach.
7.Has been caught pelting cars with eggs on the Cross Bronx Expressway
6.Much like President Clinton, can only say "No, no, no, no"
5.Home filled with thousands of old bodybuilding magazines and empty cans of Spaghetti-O's
4.Despite a restraining order, still stalking Mrs. Claus
3.Claims he made $100,000 trading cattle futures without breaking any laws
2.Every time he hops he falls on his ass.
1.Booked Madonna on his talk show

Top Ten Thoughts on the mind of Roger Clinton's Bride

10.Maybe now's a good time to ask Roger exactly what he does for a living.
9.Oh no, I put Stephanopoulos at the children's table.
8.I can't believe that idiot brother of his wore running shorts to the wedding.
7.How much longer can I pretend to enjoy Roger's singing?
6.It could be worse, I could be marrying an untalented loser whose brother isn't the president.
5.I have made the greatest sacrifice a KGB agent can make.
4.Hey, leave some of them little cocktail weenies for the rest of us, Mr. President.
3.A Mr. Coffee from Lloyd Bentsen...that cheap b______!
2.That was nice of Bill to give us our own little plot of land up here in--what did he call it--Whitewater?
1.At least I didn't marry into the Jackson family.

Top Ten Signs You've Had Too Much Coffee

10.When you call radio talkshows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
9.You're passing everybody on the freeway when suddenly you realize -- you're not in a car.
8.You run around your company board room yelling, "I've got a great idea! A Disneyworld in France! We'll call it Eurodisney"
7.You can't stop saying "No."
6.Last time you got a good night's sleep, Madonna was a virgin.
5.You're shaking like a Mexican space shuttle.
4.You jam a fork into the waiter's hand when he tries to switch your regular coffee with Folger's crystals.
3.You go nuts over a little thing like a car alarm.
2.Like our stage manager Biff Henderson, it starts to spray out of your ears.
1.You're up to four heart attacks a day.

Top Ten Other Hillary Clinton Mistakes

10.Beating Sam Donaldson to the ground with a nine iron
9.Bought Bill these gag super short jogging shorts and now he actually wears the things!
8.Cutting off Sinatra's Grammy speech
7.Not buying deodorized litter for Socks
6.Not buying deodorized litter for Roger
5.Her lingering TV kiss with Roseanne
4.The time she got too near Bill at feed time and lost a finger
3.Introducing fiance Bill to her sexy roommate Gennifer
2.Inviting Ted Kennedy to White House for open bar
1.Not making Bill take her last name

Top Ten Slogans for the Wonder Bra

10.Breakfast for your chest
9.The quicker picker-upper
8.The bra Schwarzkopf wore in Desert Storm!
7.Up, up, and away
6.As seen on "The Golden Girls!"
5.You'll never need an airbag again!
4.Say goodbye to masking tape and staples
3.Does more lifting and separating before 3 A.M. than most bras do all day
2.Looks great, more filling
1.Leave it to cleavage!

Top Ten Signs Your CIA Colleague May Be a Russian Spy

10.Knows hundreds of recipes for turnips
9.Took sick day to tape "Maury Povich Show" when topic was 'I married a Russian spy'
8.Drinks Russian dressing like it's soda pop
7.At annual CIA/KGB softball game, always seems to make error that loses game for CIA
6.Keeps frozen corpse of Lenin displayed on desk
5.Takes a lot of "Souvenir Photos" of classified documents
4.When Bruce Springsteen comes on the radio, he says, "Comrade boss is good, no?"
3.Always bragging about the time he nailed Mrs. Yeltsin
2.Wears one of them big ass fuzzy hats
1.Everywhere you look: Borscht!

Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Accountant

10.Asks you how many monies you made this year
9.The calculator he's been adding numbers on is actually a TV remote control.
8.What he calls "tax forms," most people call "paper hats."
7.Accompanies you to your audit wearing a giant bunny suit
6.Takes you aside and whispers, "Between you, me and the lamppost -- a nine's more or less the same thing as a six, right?"
5.When filling out your form, asks, "What color crayon should I use?"
4.You recognize him as the guy who played 'Horshack' on "Welcome Back, Kotter."
3.Repeatedly grabs himself and says, "Deduct this, am I right?"!
2.Tells you that strangers living in your house can be declared as dependents
1.His only other client: Willie Nelson

Top Ten Cabbie Nicknames for Passengers

10.Vinyl Jockeys
9.Curb Monkeys
7.Hail Marys

Top Ten Thoughts on the mind of Roger Clinton's Bride

10.Maybe now's a good time to ask Roger exactly what he does for a living.
9.Oh no, I put Stephanopoulos at the children's table.
8.I can't believe that idiot brother of his wore running shorts to the wedding.
7.How much longer can I pretend to enjoy Roger's singing?
6.It could be worse, I could be marrying an untalented loser whose brother isn't the president.
5.I have made the greatest sacrifice a KGB agent can make.
4.Hey, leave some of them little cocktail weenies for the rest of us, Mr. President.
3.A Mr. Coffee from Lloyd Bentsen...that cheap b______!
2.That was nice of Bill to give us our own little plot of land up here in--what did he call it--Whitewater?
1.At least I didn't marry into the Jackson family.

Top Ten Hillary Clinton's Financial Tips

10.Don't buy furniture--borrow it from the Smithsonian.
9.Raise everybody's taxes--and start grabbin' with both hands, Chester.
8.Whatever you do don't buy land in Arkansas.
7.Three words: extra value meal.
6.Aim scud at Perot. Take a billion.
5.Buy low. Sell for $100,000.
4.Instead of expensive name brand stuffing, load your husband up on sawdust.
3.For a quick couple of bucks, lease out Socks to a medical testing lab.
2.For a quick couple of bucks, lease out Roger to a medical testing lab.
1.Scalp Streisand tickets.

Top Ten Signs it's Spring in New York

10.Street vendors change hot dog water.
9.Air is filled with 9MM, "NYC Hummingbirds".
8.Cab drivers yell "it's a lovely spring day, now get out of the road you stupid bastard!"
7.Crews begin cleaning up litter in Times Square from New Year's Eve.
6.Madonna switches from basketball to baseball players.
5.More than usual, people are mating in the streets.
4.Al Sharpton switches to a light weight medallion.
3.The coffee in stage manager Biff Henderson's head thaws.
2.Squirrels in Central Park are no longer storing crack.
1.Everywhere you look--adorable baby rats.

Top Ten Signs You're in Love with Barbra Streisand

10.You see all of history as being divided into two main periods: pre-yentl and post-Yentl.
9.You refuse to buy People magazine because you think they ripped off the title from her song.
8.You're in federal prison for gluing a giant wig and fake nose onto the head of the Lincoln Memorial.
7.You come to after a huge natural gas explosion and say, "forget about me, how's Barbra Streisand?".
6.By dating her you risk destroying your marriage and your presidency.
5.You spend hours in bookstores crossing "Einstein" out of science books and writing in "Streisand".
4.Two words: restraining order.
3.The "funny lady" tattoo on your ass.
2.You write her long rambling letters about your new CBS talk show.
1.You are Barbra Streisand.

Top Ten Things Overheard in the Olympic Village

10.Lead pipes! Get your lead pipes here!
9.Let's count all the fat guys in luge suits.
8.My name's Michael Jordan, and I'm here to enter the ski jump competition.
7.How do you say 'screw you' in Norwegian?
6.I'm sorry, but I still can't find your name on the guest list, Mr. Gillooly.
5.How much for the fake gold medals?
4.It must be a treat for Hillary to see real athletes instead of Bill in those jogging shorts.
3.How 'bout a little two-man luge? (If you know what I mean).
2.I'm sorry, Mrs. Letterman, but your son's credit card is no good.
1.There's no way I'm rooming with Harding!

Top Ten Tonya Harding Excuses

10.Inhaled a sequin
9.Shouldn't have had grand slam breakfast at Lillehammer Denny's
8.Was weighed down by bundles of cash from "Inside Edition"
7.Got scared by Nancy Kerrigan's giant teeth
6.Two words: Rented Skates
5.Got Pre-skate talk by Buffalo Bills coach Marv Levy
4.Couldn't compete against Dave and Paul (roll tape of Dave and Paul skating)
3.Got mixed up before competition and hit self in knee with lead pipe
2.Partying late night before with Dave's mom
1.Couldn't land the triple Gillooly

Top Ten Signs You're Tired of the Olympics

10.All that's left of your Olympic fever is a dry hacking cough.
9.You imagine your hands around the throat of that coke-drinking polar bear.
8.You say, "Oh good, 'Hangin with Mr. Cooper' is on tonight."
7.Whenever the Olympic theme music ends you find you've put another fork into the back of your hand.
6.You're NBC President Warren Littlefield.
5.You decide against naming your baby girl Picabo.
4.Your name is Bonnie Blair and you've started using your five gold medals as coasters.
3.Actually watched "The Jackson Family Honors"
2.You beg your son to let you return home to Indiana.
1.No longer laugh at the name Gillooly

Top Ten Ways to Make the Olympics More Fun

10.Let biathlon competitors shoot at each other
9.Require ski jumpers to scream "Weeeeeeeeee" as they come down
8.Automatic gold if your luge hits a moose
7.Bobsled must have four guys all named Bob.
6.New sport: Olympic ass-kissing
5.Medal ceremony includes lengthy open-mouthed kisses from Dick Button
4.Instead of counting down 3-2-1 go, count down 3-2-1 Gillooly.
3.Everyone's ice dancing partner: Willard Scott
2.Let my mom enter sledding competition.
1.More rock, less Tonya

Top Ten Olympian Pet Peeves

10.Having to spend so much time with freakin' foreigners
9.When they run out of medals and just give you a wadded-up piece of Reynolds Wrap
8.There's just not enough coverage of the Tonya/Nancy rivalry.
7.You compete, you win the gold, but Monday morning you have to be back at work at the pizza hut.
6.When Marv Albert follows you around looking for bloopers
5.Falling a few hundredths of a second short on your wedding night
4.When you're in 37th place and some moron is still screaming "Go for the Gold!"
3.You marry one of your olympic teammates and forever after your name is "Picabo Moe".
2.Getting stopped in the middle of a bobsled run by one of those squeegee guys
1.Chapped ass

Top Ten Signs Greg Gumbel is Nuts

10.Has been eating nothing but Slim Jims and Gatorade
9.Every time the U.S. wins a medal, he takes off another article of clothing.
8.Asks each of his guests, "Who's fatter, me or Bryant?"
7.The parrot and eye patch
6.Signed a long-term contract with CBS Sports
5.Invested millions in line of soups called Greg Gumbo
4.Signs off each night with "Take that, you Norwegian bastards!"
3.Drank quart of Old Milwaukee and tried to extinguish Olympic torch
2.Officially changed name to Greg Gumbel-Gillooly
1.Keeps proposing to my mom

Top Ten Good Things About Not Winning A Medal

10.No problem getting through metal detector on trip home
9.Five words: Year's supply of turtle wax
8.Sure they give you the gold medal, but they make you pay plenty for the matching earrings.
7.Aren't subject to Clinton's new gold medal tax
6.Instead of being "Joe, the fastest skier in the world," it's kind of nice just to be "Dorky Ol' Joe"
5.Sympathy goes a long way with Norwegian chicks.
4.You won't get mugged for it on the D-Train.
3.Don't have to go to White House and jog with bloated president
2.Fame and wealth often inspire strangers to break into your home.
1.Gillooly won't push for a reconciliation.

Top Ten Norwegian Nicknames for Americans

10.Star-Spangled Ninnies
6.Gap-Toothed T.V. Boy (Actually, that's just you, David)
4.Nordic Track Sissies

Top Ten Fabio's Pick-Up Lines

10.Can I buy you a drink after I finish my 2,000 sit-ups?
9.Don't you think the 'No shirt, no service' policy is ridiculous?
8.Wanna help my choose a last name?
7.You look hungry. I will microwave you a burrito.
6.How would you like to ride a finely tuned Italian love machine?
5.Did you know that 'Fabio' is Italian for 'Fonzie'?
4.Yo, mama, what it is? Let's you and me get it on!
3.Who do you like better -- Beavis or Butthead?
2.I find you very attractive even though your chest is much smaller than mine.
1.Wow! You are almost as beautiful as me!

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win a Medal

10.Instead of music, you're ice dancing to Larry King's radio show.
9.Right this minute you're shoveling driveways for beer money.
8.You're the only speed skater not wearing pants.
7.Two words: Team Fiji
6.Instead of the Olympic Village, you're staying at the Lillehammer Days Inn.
5.You're in the biathlon and you exchanged your rifle for a Toys 'R' Us gift certificate.
4.It takes a bottle of corn oil to get you in and out of your luge suit.
3.You trained for the last four years by throwing hatchets at your living room wall.
2.Your ice dancing partner is Roseanne Arnold.
1.Your name is Tonya Harding.

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Taping of the Jackson Family Special

10.How did Tito get the night off from Domino's?
9.Once again, please welcome the Jackson family lawyers!
8.No kidding? He's my plastic surgeon too!
7.That's odd ... I don't remember a Jackson named 'Nipsey'.
6.More fudge, Miss Taylor?
5.Siegfried-Tito, Tito-Siegfried, Roy-Tito, Tito-Roy ...
4.Good News. Brooke has agreed to continue pretending she's dating Michael.
3.What's LaToya doing with that lead pipe?
2.It's great to see Michael grabbing himself again.
1.Sing something, you weirdo!

Top Ten Signs Your New Governor Isn't Working Out

10.Instead of holding up his hand when being sworn in, he holds up his middle finger
9.Exchanges all dollars in state treasury for pesos
8.Shows up at first press conference dressed as Batman
7.When reminded of campaign promises, he laughs and says "Hey, I was a different person back then."
6.Orders state police to start rounding up babes "Arkansas-style"
5.No one knows why, but carnival operating in the state has to show him their fat lady
4.He shows up to work with lunch box full of crack
3.Legally changes state's name to "Patakiland"
2.He's caught firing shots at his own home
1.Opens inaugural speech with "Hello, suckers!"

Top Ten Chapter Titles in Newt Gingrich's Book

10.My Life on the Streets as 'Newt Doggy Dogg'
9.A Muzzle for Mother
8.101 Funny Anecdotes Involving Ted Kennedy, Chivas and No Pants
7.Bad Idea: My One Date With Barney Frank
6.Let's Bomb Ontario!
5.'Nude' + 'Cute' = 'Newt'
4.Learning to Live with Donahue's Hair
3.How to Make Love to a Woman 'Newty-Style'
2.Betsy Ross: Man, That Bitch Could Sew!
1.Kiss My Republican Ass!

Top Ten Signs You Bought a Bad Computer

10.Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
9.Its celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
8.In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
7.You know them floppy disks? Well this baby's got a floppy keyboard!
6.You type in: "Need comedy bit for talk show"; it prints out: "Stunt doubles."
5.Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4.Screen frequently freezes and message comes up "Ain't it break -time, Chester?"
3.The manual contains one sentence: "Good luck!"
2.The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1.It cyber-sucks!

Top Ten Things Overheard at Graceland on Elvis' 60th Birthday

10.It's incredible -- he's actually gained weight since he died!
9.Did that recipe call for eight or nine cups of lard?
8.I'm sorry, Mr. Jackson, the monkey will have to wait outside the gate.
7.I hear Elvis' ghost just signed an endorsement deal with Zima.
6.Put that gun away -- this ain't the White House.
5.Amazing! His bedroom still smells like peanut butter!
4.My name is Mario Cuomo, and I'll be your Graceland tour guide.
3.It could've been worse. She could have married Tito.
2.If Elvis were alive, he'd be perfect for playing 'Would you like to eat that in here?'
1.I'm not an Elvis impersonator, dammit -- I'm Roseanne!

Top Ten Ways to Discourage Teens from Smoking

10.Spread rumor that cigarettes cause acne
9.Ask "Don't you want to be around for Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's 2050?"
8.Have Fonzie tell 'em! The kids love that guy!
7.Tell them they have to smoke! If I know teenagers, that's exactly what they won't do! Am I right?
6.Explain that it spoils the taste of crack
5.Point out how chances of having illicit sex improve if you don't smell like an ashtray
4.Start stressing the glamour of heavy drinking
3.Just keep saying "Hey, Teen dudes! Non-smokers rule!"
2.Tell them they'll end up like that fruity ass bastard in the Montclair ads
1.Four words: Photo of Keith Richards

Top Ten Ways to Beat the Heat

10.Stroll through subways waiting for old water mains to burst
9.Drink glass of ice water every time Larry King gets engaged
8.Around house, wear lightweight caftans, the way I do
7.Stop a Mister Softee truck, insist you're Skip Softee, the boss's son and crawl into the freezer compartment
6.Go to White House, enjoy breeze of bullets whizzing by
5.Don't overdo, take it easy, try to keep from moving around (this tip brought to you by the N.Y. Mets)
4.Go for a swim in the Hudson River--you'll end up in a nice air-conditioned hospital
3.Keep your underpants in the crisper ("this one is courtesy of Dan Rather. Thanks Dan!"--cut to VT of Dan Rather laughing)
2.Get your own talk show, set yourself up in a 42 degree theater
1.Cool off in Ebert's shadow

Top Ten Boris Becker Excuses

10.Thought it was the French Open where they just surrender the championship to you
9.Who can concentrate when you're standing opposite hunky Pete Sampras?
8.Didn't want to spoil cool "Three-Pete!" headlines
7.Shouldn't have trained with that "Dorf on Tennis" video
6.Was just giving her a ride to the corner for chrissakes! (that's a Hugh Grant excuse)
5.Had the feeling Dick Enberg was undressing him with his eyes
4.Prince Charles' ears kept blocking the sun
3.Hard to concentrate with Marv Albert constantly shouting "Yes!" (roll VT)
2.Distracted by Fergie making out with ball boy in royal box
1.Three words: Grass stained balls!

Top Ten Clinton's Proposed Changes to Television

10.Special chip to make Newt look like he's got food in his teeth
9.Scratch n' sniff TV screens
8.Show about lame duck president who moves in with those "Models, Inc." chicks
7.Lookie here, how's about tryin' some shows in color?
6.Let Janet Reno go on "American Gladiators" and kick the living crap out of Nitro
5.When you hit "eject" on your VCR, fried dough comes out
4.More meat and nudity
3.Just once, have a "Jeopardy" contestant say, "What is Bubba?"
2.Every few minutes, flash subliminal picture of Bob Dole getting into Hugh Grant's car
1.Three words: the Hee-Haw Channel

Top Ten Least Popular Summer Drinks

10.Frozen Margaregis
9.E. Coli Colada
8.Watermelon juice squeezed out of Gallagher's mustache
7.DNA-tested Bloody Mary
6.Hugh Grant's backseat Snapple
5.Kraft Root Beer 'N' Cheese
4.Lyme Disease Rickey
3.Richard Simmons Sweatin' Sour (VT of audience full of Richards)
2.Newt Juice

Top Ten Astronaut Pick-Up Lines

10.Let's initiate a docking maneuver
9.My pants are approaching escape velocity
8.I'm experiencing 10,000 G's of L-U-V
7.You know I'd really like to get in your pants before the Russians
6.Would you help me de-ice my nosecone?
5.Ever wonder what earth looks like from the back of a Chevy van?
4.Wanna join the hundred-thousand-mile-high club?
3.How much? (that's a Hugh Grant pick-up line)
2.Care to experience some thrust?
1.Prepare for re-entry!

Top Ten Ways the Miss America Pageant Would Be Different if the Judges Were Dogs

10.Title revoked if old photographs surface of the winner petting a cat
9.Put your money on the girl wearing the sash made of baloney
8.New sniffing competition
7.Rambunctious Miss Ohio forced to wear one of those big plastic cones on head
6.Host Bob Barker torn to shreds by pack of angry neutered judges
5.Winning talent? Throwing a stick
4.Pageant thrown into total chaos by judge in heat
3.Miss Texas disqualified for stuffing her evening gown with Gaines Burgers
2.Winner gets to drink out of toilet
1.Points taken off for mange

Top Ten Surprises in the Mark Fuhrman Tapes

10.Refers to Norwegians as "Herring - Gorged Tundra Monkeys"
9.Brags about planting overdue library books at O.J.'s house
8.Admits to crying at that talking pig movie
7.When you play tapes backwards, you hear theme song to "Friends"
6.Judge Ito's nickname around courthouse locker room: "Sir Lance-A-Little"
5.Performs beautiful medley of love duets with Marge Schott
4.Accuses O.J. of killing Anna Nicole Smith's husband
3.Claims he stopped Michael Jackson for speeding, but let him go when he saw it wasn't a black guy
2.Once had a brief sexual encounter with his nightstick
1.Can't spell O.J.

Top Ten Signs Yeltsin's Health is Improving

10.Doesn't have to rest between saying each syllable in "Stolichnaya"
9.While still red, his nose no longer emitting sizzling noise
8.Opened last night as the new Norma Desmond in "Sunset Boulevard"
7.He's been taking the nurse's temperature, if you know what I mean
6.Has begun working out with that O.J. video
5.Just filmed a new infomercial for his "Yeltsinizer" exercise machine
4.Went to comedy club and beat the crap out of Yakov Smirnoff
3.Looks almost as good as the preserved body of Lenin
2.His ass no longer looks like a breakaway republic
1.Blood alcohol level back up to a healthy 53%

Top Ten Little Known Provisions in President Clinton's Crime Bill

10.Every 10th caller to 911 wins a pair of Metallica tickets
9.$10 million reward to anyone who knows where the hell Al Gore is
8.Five day waiting period to buy a congressman
7.If you yell 'Bingo' when you don't really got bingo you're going away for a long, long time
6.The first lady has the right to remain silent
5.Bob Dole to be executed on "Donahue"
4.Every time someone in America gets arrested, the President gets to eat a french fry
3.No speed limit on Merritt Parkway for late night talk show hosts
2.If you even so much as jaywalk, Bubba's gonna play a Singapore-style drum roll on your ass
1.All that Whitewater crap? It's legal

Top Ten Signs Your Shoe Salesman is Actually the Devil

10.He helps customers sitting in front of him and in back of him by spinning his head around.
9.His store has big Hitler's birthday sale.
8.Offers you 15% off if you sell him your soul
7.Name of store: "Thom McGangel-of-Death"
6.When you tell him you don't like a pair of shoes, he spits pea soup at you.
5.He gazes into your eyes and next thing you know -- bang -- you own 30 pairs of Reeboks.
4.When unhappy customer tells him to go to hell, he replies, "I can't go home till six."
3.Sign out front reads, "Visa card, Mastercard, and abandon hope all ye who enter here!"
2.When Michael Jackson got married, his shoestore froze over.
1.All the shoes are size 666.

Top Ten Signs of Trouble in the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Presley Marriage

10.Michael going through noses faster than ever.
9.She's flirting with Tito.
8.If two completely normal people like Roseanne and Tom can't make it, then these kids don't have a chance.
7.Lately, Michael's been acting kind of weird.
6.Four words: Marriage tips from Liz
5.Michael caught wearing another woman's make-up.
4.He put the Club on the bedroom door.
3.Michael spotted in Central Park with Soon-Yi.
2.She wants the toilet seat left down, and he... well, actually, no trouble there.
1.Now they're both touching themselves.

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Rolling Stones Concert

10.I love it when they smash their walkers at the end of a song.
9.The medic alert beepers are drowning out the music.
8.Look! The new guy on bass! It's Matlock.
7.He means, time was on their side.
6.Start me up! I'm serious! This isn't part of the song!
5.It looks like a comet smashed into Keith Richards.
4.Cool! Jagger's teeth just landed in my lap!
3.What's Letterman doing up there with a fiddle?
2.Michael Jackson married? Please...!
1.I can't get no met-a-mucil

Top Ten Signs the Concert You're Attending is Not the Real Woodstock

10.It's hosted by Ed McMahon.
9.Amplifiers are just enormous dixie cups
8.Every song contains a plug for the Green Giant frozen vegetables.
7.You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.
6.One word: polkas
5.Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.
4.Santana turns out to be a jolly old bearded guy with a sackful of presents.
3.They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?"
2.You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving
1.The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"

Top Ten Things Overheard at Woodstock '94

10.It's cool how David Crosby can sing with a mouthful of Pop-Tarts
9.Hey, you 300,000 kids get out of my yard!
8.Check out Al Sharpton's tie-dyed jogging suit
7.There's something familiar about that old naked guy covered in oatmeal...Oh my god, it's Wilford Brimley!
6.Looks like Letterman's hair is having a bad trip
5.It's a three day festival of peace, love and...hey, which one of you muddy bastards stole my bankcard?
4.Aren't you the guy who took a leak on my tent back in '69?
3.Run for your lives. Rush Limbaugh's in the mosh pit
2.This must be bad acid! I could've sworn you said Lisa Marie Presley married Michael Jackson
1.This place is crawling with mud dorks

Top Ten Reasons New York City Would Be a Good Place for the '96 Republican Convention

10.Constant gunfire will keep delegates from dozing off.
9.Crowded sidewalks present an opportunity for Senator Packwood to "accidentally" bump into women.
8.Three-quarters of rat population are registered Republicans.
7.If hotels are filled up, they can always break into my place.
6.Delegates pay no city, state or federal tax on crack purchases.
5.Chance to take part in weekly Mets tryouts; maybe become Major League baseball player!
4.Would be fun to watch Dan Quayle trying to figure out a subway map.
3.Andrew Giuliani will be away at camp.
2.Taxis equipped with heavy duty suspension, which is perfect for driving around Rush Limbaugh
1.Plenty of certified baby-sitters for Reagan.

Top Ten Signs You're an Overweight Cop

10.You spend a lot of your time trying to apprehend Big Macs.
9.You have two holsters: One for your gun, one for Italian Sausage.
8.The last time you saw your feet, "Kojak" was on in prime time.
7.Instead of yelling "Freeze!," you yell "Fritos!"
6.Even patrol car's big block engine can't propel you more than 30 mph.
5.You sometimes work undercover as a sofa.
4.You take the phrase "Take a bite out of crime" too literally.
3.Several times a year, rescue workers have to use jaws of life to get you out of your squad car.
2.Your ass is known as the fourth precinct.
1.You're frequently used as a roadblock.

Top Ten Baseball Player Demands

10.No team flights on Continental Airlines.
9.Goodbye boring baseball caps, hello festive sombreros.
8.Make it legal to cork their pants.
7.Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.
6.No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock.
5.Two words: Streisand tickets.
4.Every team has to have at least one player named "Mookie."
3.Plenty of dugout Slimfast (video of Tommy Lasorda with Slimfast).
2.Put an on-deck circle in Madonna's bed.
1.More games against the Mets.

Top Ten Ways Madonna is Celebrating her 36th Birthday

10.Just quietly exposing herself to a few close friends.
9.Going one-on-one with members of the Dream Team II.
8.Making cone-bra party hats.
7.Naked jello shots with Boutros Boutros Ghali.
6.Free meal at Denny's.
5.Nailing every birthday clown from here to the Mason-Dixon line.
4.Marrying Tito.
3.Three words: Sean Penn pinata.
2.Playing horizontal "Price is Right" with Bob Barker.
1.Oil change and lube job.

Top Ten Signs the Game Show You're Watching is Fixed

10.One guy keeps getting questions about what he had for lunch
9.You hear the phrase, "Come on down, Mom"
8.Answer the questions about the capital of Kentucky and you could be the next Frankfurt--I mean, Champion!
7.You see Fabio run the board during "Double Jeopardy"
6.Every time a contestant touches the buzzer they fall down dead
5.Suddenly Alex Trebek doesn't give a damn whether anybody phrases their answers in the form of a question
4.Bob Barker has been neutered (I'm sorry, that's a sign the game show host you're watching is fixed)
3.Whenever some of the other contestants start to answer, they're chomped in the ass by a vicious wolverine
2.It's "Family Feud" and the Quayles win
1.Please welcome, our returning champion: Forrest Gump!

Top Ten Signs President Clinton is Renting the Vacation House Next to Yours

10.Front lawn littered with what appears to be pages of a health-care plan.
9.You keep finding Roger Clinton passed out in your backyard.
8.License plate on his dune buggy: H-I-L-B-I-L-Y 1.
7.What you thought was a lawn gnome next door turns out to be Warren Christopher.
6.One day he stops by and asks to borrow a cup of sugar and a foreign policy.
5.You open your freezer to find that your hamburgers have been taken and replaced with Presidential Medals of Honor.
4.Rusty old stealth bomber on cinder blocks in front yard.
3.The guy doing yardwork there looks an awful lot like Al Gore.
2.Swimming trunks on clothes line bigger than a circus tent.
1.Your local McDonalds is out of fries.

Top Ten Ways Dan Quayle is Preparing To Run for President

10.Forging letter of recommendation from President Bush.
9.Shaving "1996" into the back of his head.
8.Taking some of them Sally Struthers courses.
7.Buying a computer with spell check.
6.Trying to raise his I.Q. above his golf handicap.
5.Studying the episode of "Happy Days" when Richie ran for class president.
4.Trying to decide which Mighty Morphin Power Ranger he wants as his running mate.
3.Called President Bush, asked him what he used to do all day.
2.Having name legally changed to Danforth Gump.
1.Working on his concession speech.

Top Ten Signs You've Gone to a Bad Chiropractor

10.When you walk, you make a wacky accordion sound.
9.Keeps saying, "A spine is like a box of chocolates."
8.Repeatedly asks, "You a cop? You sure you ain't no cop?"
7.Over and over, you hear crunching sounds followed by "Uh-oh."
6.There's a two-drink minimum.
5.At end of session, lies down on the table and says, "My turn!"
4.He was nowhere near Woodstock and yet he's covered with mud.
3.Rushes in late to your appointment, still wearing his Burger King uniform
2.Hints that for an extra $50, he'll "straighten" something else
1.You're fully-clothed and he's naked.

Top Ten Signs Your New Gym Teacher is Nuts

10.Eats hockey pucks like they were crackers.
9.Always arrives at school on a donkey.
8.Makes you "hit the showers" after each individual push up.
7.He's made a nice little home for himself under the bleachers.
6.You see him doing sit-ups while driving.
5.What at first glance appears to be a mustache, turns out to be purple crayon.
4.Insists on being addressed as "Cap'n Sweaty".
3.Asks you to spot him in the men's room.
2.Warm-ups include jumping jacks, knee bends and jello shots.
1.For class, wears only a whistle.

Top Ten Things Overheard at the MTV Music Video Awards

10.Hey -- Richard Simmons just threw his shorts at Tom Jones!
9.I'm sorry, sir, there's no Tom Arnold on the guest list.
8.I can't watch this whole show -- my attention span has been destroyed by MTV.
7.Forget Disneyland, I'm going to Betty Ford!
6.I hope we get to see some guy picking his nose on the Letterman show.
5.You know, now that I actually see them kissing, it seems like the most natural thing in the world.
4.More blood, Mr. Richards?
3.More meat loaf, Meatloaf?
2.Can we get a crew with a belt sander down to dressing room three? Roseanne wants another tattoo removed.
1.Who's that dork with Madonna?

Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Celebrated His 36th Birthday

10.Plays pin-the-nose-on-the-donkey.
9.Enjoyed big steak dinner cooked by Lisa Marie, drank beer and watched wrestling till he fell asleep.
8.Received novelty drinking mug that says "World's Greatest Reclusive Freak."
7.A champagne celebration with his wife, the monkey and that super short guy.
6.Doing what he always does -- acting really weird.
5.Goes 0-4 against the Tidewater Mets (Sorry, that's how Michael Jordan celebrated his birthday).
4.Inhaled helium from party balloons to make his voice higher.
3.Found Tito stealing tomatoes from his vegetable garden; chased him around the house with a rake.
2.Turned Liz loose on the leftover birthday cake.
1.Two words: grabbing himself.

Top Ten Signs Your Team Won't Be Going to the Super Bowl

10.Last year's mascot is this year's quarterback.
9.Players beaten by local teens in halftime "punt, pass & kick" competition.
8.Inner ear condition makes it impossible for starting halfback to stay between sidelines.
7.Just to be on the safe side, they often punt on first down.
6.They're constantly taking time-outs to consult with Robert Shapiro.
5.More players on smoking side of bench than non-smoking.
4.Whenever they manage to get a first down, they dump a bucket of Gatorade over the head coach.
3.Players constantly addressing each other as "girlfriend".
2.Starting fullback: Richard Simmons.
1.Instead of helmets, turbans.

Top Ten Signs the Guys Who Robbed Tiffany's Had Never Robbed Before

10.When the alarm went off, they thought they'd won something.
9.After stealing jewelry, made appointment to have it engraved
8.Spent 20 minutes trying to hail a "getaway car"
7.Set up a table on the sidewalk that said, "Tiffany's factory outlet store"
6.Tried on each piece of jewelry before deciding whether or not to take it
5.Gave names and addresses to clerk so they could be put on mailing list
4.Went to McDonald's, paid for small fries with diamond bracelet and asked for $20,000 change
3.Took the security tapes, but then sent them off to "America's Funniest Home Videos"
2.Kept yelling "Where's Batman?"
1.Wore ski masks and skis

Top Ten Signs President Clinton is Well Rested

10.Catching and eating more mice than "Socks".
9.Flip-flops much faster on foreign policy.
8.Hasn't passed out in his mashed potatoes in days.
7.His doughy white thighs have a blush of pink to them now.
6.Feels ready to ask Paula Jones for sex again.
5.Already finished with his '96 concession speech.
4.Gets his pants down twice as fast.
3.Doesn't get tired carrying around giant lunch box.
2.Since he got back, he's only beaten the crap out of Gore twice.
1.He's giving Bob Dole both fingers.

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Airport

10.The luggage carousel is first-come, first-serve.
9.Technician asks if he can borrow your cup of coffee to "de-ice" a 747.
8.Runway littered with stripped chevys.
7.Gift shop selling items from your just-checked luggage.
6.Nacho cheese at the snack bar doubles as jet fuel.
5.The "Arrivals and Departures" monitor is pay-per-view.
4.Guard at metal detector asks you to turn your head and cough.
3.Some little beer-loving dweeb takes Dr. Galazkiewicz's limo.
2.You see someone pre-boarding a flight attendant.
1.Passengers have the right to fly topless.

Top Ten Things That Make Bob Barker Angry

10.When the regular show announcer is sick and new guy says something stupid like, "c'mon up!"
9.Losers who guess that the price of a toaster is $50,000
8.When contestants win a brand new car and don't even offer me a ride home
7.I give the 7-Eleven guy a dollar for a pack of gum and he says, "Sorry, you overbid!"
6.Inhumane weasel-fur hairpieces like the one Letterman's wearing
5.Losing contestants who wait for me in the alley and throw consolation prizes at my head
4.When people on the street think I'm Vanna's dad
3.My life was as sweet as can be, then one morning I woke up with Phil Donahue's hair.
2.Recent allegations that game shows are fixed
1.Recent allegations that I'm fixed

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win the Miss America Contest

10.Instead of putting vaseline on your teeth, you use aerosol cheese.
9.Your nude photos have already appeared in Penthouse.
8.Very often when people meet you they say, "Man is you ugly!"
7.The judges point out that eating a pound of fudge is not technically a talent.
6.After your musical number, Regis turns to Kathie Lee and says, "Wow, that really sucked!"
5.Though you're pretty, there's no getting around the fact that your name is Carl and you're a longshoreman.
4.The officials discover you've corked your bra.
3.Someone's replaced your paper "Miss Kentucky" sash with one that reads "Sanitized for your protection."
2.You're Miss New York, and your talent is giving the finger.
1.Your ass is the size of Montana.

Top Ten Rejected New Names for EuroDisney

10.Euro Disaster
9.El Biggo Mistake-o
8.Never-Never-Profit Land
7.La Veal de Guys in Big Smelly Costumes
5.Beaucoup de Crap Americain
4.Johnny Depp's Hotel of Destruction
3.Boutros Boutros-Goofy
2.Have-You-Forgotten-We-Saved- Your-Ass-In-The-World-War-Two-Land

Top Ten Signs the Manager of Your Local Gap Has Gone Nuts

10.On your way into the store, you trip over the acid-washed, sand-blasted corpse of J. Crew.
9.Every time you return to the dressing room, he's wearing your clothes.
8.Mock turtle necks made out of real turtles.
7.His assistant manager is a mannequin.
6.Really excited about CBS' new prime time line-up.
5.He eats your gift certificate with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
4.Declares war on the Banana Republic across the street.
3.Has opened a Gap for monkeys.
2.Says "Hi, my name is Gap. Forrest Gap".
1.Makes you try on his pants.

Top Ten Killer Bee Pet Peeves

10.Horizontal stripes make you look fat.
9.Can't sting Zsa Zsa through all that makeup
8.Not one single killer bee in Congress
7.Dershowitz always tacks $300 dinners onto defense tab.
6.When other bees make fun of the size of your stinger in the shower
5.It's damn near impossible to get those little packages of airline peanuts open!
4.That Honey-nut Cheerios bee -- now there's a first class dweeb!
3.We're natural born killers, yet you don't see Oliver Stone bustin' his ass to make a film about us.
2.Plasticky aftertaste when you sting Michael Jackson.
1.What's the deal with Johnny Depp?

Top Ten Things George Washington Would Say If He Were Alive Today

10.Hey, that Donahue guy stole my wig!
9.You need some I.D.? How 'bout this dollar?
8.I'm on the single and that fat kite-flying weasel Ben Franklin is on the hundred?
7.Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett?
6.No, I'm not Barbara Bush.
5.I'm the first president of the U.S.; what do you mean I can't get Streisand tickets?
4.Did you see 'Seinfeld' last night? That Kramer is a riot!
3.Ben Franklin? Gay.
2.Would you please get your hands off Martha, Mr. Barker?
1.My god -- Sam Dondaldson is annoying!

Top Ten Ways to Tell the Show You're Watching Won't Be a Hit

10.The actors are holding each others' cue cards.
9.Laugh track consists of a guy with a wet, hacking cough
8.You start thinking "maybe I'll go listen to that new Roger Clinton CD."
7.Title contains the words "The" and "Mommies"
6.Actors frequently break character and scream: "Good Lord, does this suck!"
5.The biggest laugh of the night involves a dead chicken in underpants.
4.Big purple dinosaur keeps biting the children
3.Skinny gap-toothed host reads lame list.
2.Show's premise: man with bionic ass
1.It's on FOX.

Top Ten Marion Barry Campaign Slogans

10.Barry: He's Habit Forming.
9.America's Most Wanted Mayor.
8.As Seen on Court TV.
7.This is Your Mayor; This is Your Mayor on Drugs.
6.A Vote for Barry is a Vote for ...um, I Lost My Train of Thought.
5.I'll Get Drugs Off the Street.
4.Come on, It'll Be Funny!
3.Endorsed by Dwight Gooden
2.Give Me Another Crack at It.
1.I Always Inhaled.

Top Ten Surprising Revelations in Barbara Bush's Book

10.Once considered legally changing her name to Whoopi
9.Still swaps hair care tips with Phil Donahue
8.George spent last six months of office wandering around White House wearing nothing but a lobster bib.
7.Reagan used to keep his jelly beans and his kidney stones in the same jar.
6.Whole reason she got into public life -- free hot dogs.
5.She's got Tom Arnold's face tattooed right where you think.
4.Ever since the fall of communism, George has carried a thirty-pound chunk of the Berlin Wall in his pants.
3.During the Bush administration, Air Force One was a high-flyin' love machine.
2.Dan Quayle is extremely bright, also Rush Limbaugh is extremely thin.
1.Millie the dog? Gay.

Top Ten Surprises in the Dolly Parton Autobiography

10.At (her) birth, doctor thought he was delivering triplets
9.Once hitchhiked cross-country without ever lifting a thumb
8.Makes all of her own leather mini-skirts by trapping and skinning vermin
7.She was the inspiration for the huge overhanging balcony at the new Grand Ole Opry.
6.Went on world tour in early 70's with Dalai Lama in a show called "A Couple of Dollys"
5.She was designed by same guy who did New York's Twin Towers.
4.Tom Arnold once asked to marry her because he wanted to get his own show on "The Nashville Network."
3.In order to remain vertical, wears special counterweights on her back developed by NASA
2.One night got drunk and slept with all of the Oakridge Boys
1.Consulted on the Wonderbra project

Top Ten Christopher Columbus Pick-Up Lines

10.Come to this continent often?
9.How 'bout you and me taking a voyage to Motel-6?
8.Kiss me, I'm salty!
7.If all three of you come home with me, I'll name my ships after you.
6.Please, I've been at sea for five months, I beg you!
5.Can you help me navigate my way around that Wonderbra?
4.How many gold doubloons for a lap dance?
3.That's not a compass in my pocket, I'm just glad to see you.
2.Babe ahoy!
1.I've got a sea monster in my pants!

Top Ten Signs your Local TV Weatherman is Nuts

10.Every night his forcast is "it's raining men, hallelujah!".
9.Often asks anchorwoman to switch clothes with him.
8.Uses expensive radar equipment to track Michelle Pfeiffer.
7.Sattelite Photos look suspiciously like polaroids of a desk globe.
6.Appears to have the first spring robin in his mouth.
5.Seen checking into a motel six with a half-inflated weather balloon.
4.Every night he says, "Lordy mama, it's gonna rain root beer tomorrow".
3.The symbol on his weather map for an Arctic cold front is a snowman giving the finger.
2.Looks a lot like this pinhead (shot of Letterman as weatherman).
1.He's got a tropical storm in his pants.

Top Ten Goofiest Audience Driver's License Photos

10.What are you lookin' at?
9.Coolest guy in Bangladesh.
8.Long lost Gabor sister.
7.Loves Quaker Instant Oatmeal.
6.Really loves Quaker Instant Oatmeal.
5.Height: 5'5, without hair: 5'1".
4.Pulled all nighter studying for driver's test.
3.Also a client.
2.Turn your head and cough.
1.Where's the brake?.

Top Ten New CBS Promotional Slogans

10.Where's the remote control?
9.The shows are funnier if you're drunk.
8.Now we suck as much as Fox.
7.C.B.S.: Come Back Suckers
6.You could win a chance to father Murphy Brown's next baby.
5.The CBS eye knows what you look like naked.
4.We blew our wad on Late Show boy.
3.Tonight might be the night Dan and Connie do it.
2.Watch us, and Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman will write you a prescription for the drug of your choice.
1.You can't spell CBS without BS.

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Country Music Awards

10.Hey, I just found my car keys in Lyle Lovett's hair.
9.Somebody help him! He's got a Tritt lodged in his Yoakam!
8.You know, Mr. Rogers, I saw the most recent Gambler TV-movie, and maybe it's time to fold 'em.
7.Hee Haw Condoms! Get yer Hee Haw Condoms here!
6.Vince Gill, Faith Hill. Faith Hill, Vince Gill. Mel Tillis, Travis Tritt, Pam Tillis, Patti Loveless, Faith Hill, Vince Gill.
5.If Wynonna doesn't drop a few pounds, we're gonna have an achy breaky floor.
4.Hey, lookie here, me and my gee-tar are on the tee-vee.
3.And now the best fiddler award goes to Dave Letterman. (videotape of Letterman look-alike playing fiddle)
2.I thought 'The Judds' was a nickname for Dolly Parton.
1.Oh no, Michael and Lisa Marie are kissing again!

Top Ten Signs Hillary Clinton Might Be Pregnant

10.Al Gore is practicing washing diapers.
9.Seen looking through little book entitled "Name Your Hillbilly Baby"
8.Been doing some of her own "Negotiating" with Jimmy Carter
7.Pentagon building mobile for crib with faces of Lloyd Bentsen and Warren Christopher
6.Asked Strom Thurmond for the number to his diaper service
5.Been trying out little booties on Ross Perot
4.She threw up on Newt Gingrich.
3.Stork evaded radar and crashed into White House
2.On the Ultrasound they could see the baby already giving the finger to Bob Dole.
1.Like Bill, she's eating for two.

Top Ten Signs Your Kid Isn't College Material

10.His guidance counselor's file contains two words: "yard work."
9.In yearbook, was voted "Most Likely To Injure Himself Opening a Door".
8.During algebra, interrupts teacher and asks, "When do we get to whittle?"
7.SAT score? 9.
6.He keeps telling everybody life is like a box of chocolates.
5.Every time he sees a book he says, "What the hay is this dang thing?"
4.He's the only 37 year old in the 4th grade.
3.During appearance on "Jeopardy," keeps buzzing in and asking, "Alex, can I have some candy?"
2.Thinks "valedictorian" is a brand name of condoms.
1.Can't find Waldo.

Top Ten Signs Regis Philbin is Nuts

10.He's actually gone on one of those lame Carnival cruises.
9.Keeps showing up for work in full "Cats" make-up
8.One minute you're having a civilized conversation and the next minute the old coot's on the floor doing push-ups.
7.Richard Simmons found smothered under a two-ton pile of Regis's workout videos
6.Went on honeymoon with Michael and Lisa Marie
5.Claims the CIA has been sending satellite beams into his pants
4.Last weekend spotted naked in Central Park with bottle of scotch screaming, "Where's Gelman?"
3.Constantly standing in front of moving cars (videotape of Regis hit by car)
2.Every couple years, just for fun, he switches Kathie Lee's birth control pills with Tic Tacs
1.Never changed his weird-ass name

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win a Nobel Prize

10.You think the capital of Sweden is Sweden City.
9.You built an artificial heart, but it's the size of a bread truck.
8.Closest you've ever come to doing a scientific experiment -- putting a sleeping friend's hand in warm water
7.Despite all your brilliant ideas, the nurses won't let you have anything sharp to write them down.
6.You're the CBS executive who picked the new fall lineup.
5.For the past 10 years, your left thumb has been stuck in a test tube.
4.Title of your doctoral dissertation: "Yee-ouch! Them Pins is Pointy!"
3.Your theory of relativity is E=MC Hammer.
2.You're known around the University as "Professor Gump."
1.Your first name is Boutros Boutros -- but your last name ain't Ghali.

Top Ten Signs You're Addicted to Caffeine

10.Haven't slept since the Johnson Administration
9.Your next-door neighbors often call to complain about the sound of your chattering teeth.
8.Instead of Tic Tacs, you suck on No-Doz
7.You named your twins "Cappuccino" and "Espresso."
6.On the way to work you get pulled over for speeding and you don't even have your car.
5.You kill a guy for trying to switch your regular coffee with Folgers Crystals.
4.You wake up in middle of night screaming "Pepsi! For the love of God, I need Pepsi!"
3.When a Maxwell House commercial comes on, you actually lick the TV screen.
2.You drink so much coffee it starts shooting out your ears like our stage manager Biff Henderson (videotape of Henderson spitting coffee out of ears)
1.You're shaking like Michael Jackson on his wedding night.

Top Ten Surprising Facts About the Average American

10.In course of life, will eat own weight in Slim Jims
9.Has had at least one sexual encounter with a Gabor sister
8.Can name more Ninja Turtles than Supreme Court justices
7.Can't stand them no good, stinkin' Swedes
6.Watches 14 hours of television a day, none of it CBS
5.Thinks Thomas Jefferson was "That funny black guy who was married to Weezie"
4.Has the mathematical abilities of a clydesdale
3.Has been rejected from the Simpson jury three times
2.Thinks that Ebert could beat the crap out of Siskel
1.Hates job. Hates spouse. Hates life. Loves Chee-tohs

Top Ten Signs Your Judge is Bored

10.Halfway through trial, has his chair replaced with a La-Z-Boy recliner.
9.He asks new witnesses their name, address, and if they've heard any good jokes lately.
8.Suddenly stands up and screams at defendant "For God's sake -- plead guilty and I'll do your time."
7.He's popping No-Doz like Chiclets.
6.Won't stop pounding the gavel (if you know what I mean).
5.He asks jury members to dress as their favorite comic book characters.
4.Shouts out "guilty!" and then says "just practicing".
3.His eyes just seem to glaze over when you try to explain to him why you were going 82 mph on the Merritt Parkway.
2.After every bit of testimony, interjects, "Were you naked at the time?"
1.He's eating a lawbook.

Top Ten Ted Kennedy Campaign Slogan

10.I promise I'll keep my pants on.
9.Two million Budweisers can't be wrong.
8.Vote for me, the giant red-faced guy!
7.I do more in one happy hour than most senators do all day.
6.No worse than Marion Barry!
5.Crime? Pollution? The deficit? Who cares? Pass the beer nuts, Monty!
4.Sit back and watch whiskey-boy do his stuff.
3.He still fits through the Senate door; so vote for Ted in '94!
2.Are you better off than you were four beers ago?

Top Ten Rejected Sylvester Stallone Movie Lines

10.All right, I'll talk! Just stop tickling me!
9.The name's 'Rambo,' but friends call me 'Bunny.'
8.You figure skate pretty good, Francois, but I'm the best there is.
7.Leggo me eggo, you son of a bitch.
6.I don't care what round it is. He hit me, it hurt, and I'm quitting.
5.How long before I become a real woman, doctor?
4.Mom, have you seen my Jurassic Park underpants anywhere?
3.My name is Rocky Gump.
2.Hey, you've got a nice ass for a jockey.
1.I love you Richard Simmons!

Top Ten Ways CBS Can Improve It's Prime Time Ratings

10.New contest: watch a week of CBS shows, get a shot at helping Connie have a baby.
9.Replace Dudley Moore's show with test of the emergency broadcast system.
8.Send Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman on the road to perform complimentary throat cultures.
7.Create a new show about a family that sits down to watch ABC show.
6.Let Beavis and Butthead sit in for Dan and Connie.
5.Show some football games! Everybody loves football games!
4.Make "Murder, She Wrote" topless.
3.Judge Ito hosts funny, funny courtroom bloopers.
2.More shots of Dan Rather spitting (videotape of Rather spitting)
1.Three words: bare-ass cops

Top Ten Least Popular Paul Newman Products

10.Chunky-style mayonnaise.
9.Combination salad dressing and racing oil.
8.Throbbing pop tarts.
7.Corn chip tarts.
6.Aerosol pork.
5.Peanut butter with fleas.
4.Squirrel jerky.
3.Chapstick with super glue.
2.Newman's own super-tight underpants.
1.Fig Newmans

Top Ten Surprises in the New Sex Survey

10.Men finished the survey much quicker than women
9.Most common sites for sex other than bedroom: car, living room and oval office
8.Burt Reynolds had a two-year affair with one of his hairpieces
7.Only 15% of ladies are "happenin'" ladies
6.98% of all sex involves at least one member of the British Royal Family
5.The chairman of the Oscar Meyer Corporation giggles uncontrollably when anyone says the word "weiner"
4.Most popular pick-up line: "Hi, my name is Bob Barker"
3.That Newt Gingrich is one supernatural freakin' love machine
2.Most common teenage male sex fantasy: a partner
1.Sex can get you pregnant

Top Ten Ways the Post Office Will Spend the Extra Money from Rate Hike

10.Hire consultants to figure out how to plan next rate hike
9.To find new and better ways to lose our nation's mail
8.Stamps the size of door mats!
7.Face lift for Mr. Zip
6.Commemorative stamp collection featuring President Clinton and all of his mistresses
5.Lobby to put a mailman on Mount Rushmore
4.Battery-operated vibrating mail bags
3.Special stamp glue that gives you a three hour buzz
2.Retain the services of Robert Shapiro
1.Ammo! Ammo! Ammo!

Top Ten Surprises in Central Park West

10.Mariel Hemingway mistakes Rush Limbaugh for a cab and tries to ride him to work
9.Dialogue lifted word-for-word from Bob Packwood's diary
8.All the bass fishing tips
7.Amazing computer-generated "Hoss" from old "Bonanza" series
6.Seductive temptress portrayed by this woman (VT peach-eating woman)
5.Entire show packed top-to-bottom with "you might be a redneck if..." jokes
4.Off-camera voice of Calvin Klein keeps saying, "You have a lovely body...do you work out?"
3.Main plot is a love triangle between a man, a woman and a donut-a-pult
2.O.J.'s hilarious cameo as a hot dog vendor with bloody tongs
1.The damn thing could be a hit -- and it's on CBS!

Top Ten Least Popular Items In The CBS Store

10.Morley! Unisex cologne
9.Memoirs of the one guy who watched "Central Park West"
8.Bob Barker's 1996 calendar "Chicks I've Nailed"
7.Letterman hairpiece car-waxing shammy
6.Cybill and Bits dog food
5.Dr. Quinn, Inflatable Woman
4.So long, Connie! T-shirts
3.45 rpm single of Dan Rather singing with R.E.M. (roll VT)
2.Old "Miami Vice" T-shirts found in dumpster behind NBC Store
1.60 Minutes swimsuit calendar

Top Ten Signs Newt Gingrich Has Gone Mad With Power

10.Has beaten several Democrats to death with his gavel
9.Now claiming he invented the Fig Newton
8.Sending bus full of Cub Scouts to conquer Mexico
7.U.S. map on office wall reads "Newt York" & "Newt Jersey"
6.Insists Ed Sullivan Theater be kept freezing cold--and there's not a damn thing we can do about it!
5.Has written new book: "Newt Gingrich's Contract With My Pants"
4.Begins every session of Congress by singing "I Got You Babe" with Sonny Bono
3.Actually thinks he's got as much power as Hillary
2.He's been sportin' one of them Ito beards
1.Two words: The crown

Top Ten Things Ted Kennedy Can Do to Win the Election

10.Introduce new rule at debates: mention the economy, do a shot.
9.Two words: Jenny Craig
8.Use trick photography in campaign ads to make head appear normal size.
7.Lose the toga.
6.Gain the crucial endorsement of influential Bangladeshi political leaders, Mujibur and Sirajul.
5.Stop referring to his five terms in the U.S. Senate as "refills."
4.New slogan: several wives can't be wrong!
3.Stop responding to reporters' questions with, "Lemme ask my buddy Jack Daniels."
2.Jazzercise like a son of a bitch.
1.Put on his damn pants!

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Halloween Party

10.Jack-O-Lantern looks suspiciously like the neighborhood mailman's head
9.A guy from Domino's delivers a pizza -- and wins best costume
8.Shirtless Ed Asner walking around as "The Wolfman"
7.You see the guy dressed as President Clinton coming out of the bedroom with your wife.
6.They're serving haunted pancakes (video tape of Letterman with floating pancakes).
5.So-called ghost, just the old guy, from the 1-800-COLLECT commercials
4.You say "nice crazy dwarf costume" to a guy and he says "I'm Ross Perot, you bastard!"
3.Some chemical in all that green ink turns you into a crazy little chipmunk like Ross Perot.
2.A woman dressed as Lorena Bobbitt mistakes you for a guy dressed as John Bobbitt.
1.Hey Chester -- those ain't candy corns!

Top Ten Bad Things About Winning $70 Million

10.They pay you a dollar a year for 70 million years
9.Sure, you can afford lunch in New York City, but what about dinner?
8.Citibank raises the limit on your Visa card to $100 million, and suddenly you're in over your head
7.You immediately lose your credibility as a dunk tank clown
6.Tip a waiter anything less than a thousand bucks, and he'll crack your skull with a pepper mill
5.Paperboy tries to convince you that The New York Times now costs $1,200 a day
4.You know you'll just spend it on 70 million more lottery tickets, you moron
3.Some chemical in all that green ink turns you into a crazy little chipmunk like Ross Perot
2.You donate it to a college, and they name a building after you called "Lucky Bastard Hall"
1.Overstuffed wallet makes your ass look huge

Top Ten Ways to Mispronounce 'Pataki'

6.Pat Sajacky
5.Fat Ducky
4.Gap Kahkis
3.Will Cut Taxes
2.Cold Six Packy
1.Boutros Boutros-Aki

Top Ten Ways to Get Dumb Guys to Vote for You

10.Promise to replace presidential limo with monster truck
9.Pass out campaign buttons and say, "Look, free shiny things!"
8.Promise that if you win, you'll help them get the mouse traps off their feet
7.In "Nightline" interview, keep calling Ted Koppel "Mr. Snapple."
6.Say you'll bomb the ever-lovin' shorts off every country whose name ain't spelled U-S-A
5.Promise to publish a "Where's Waldo" book in which the only thing on each page is Waldo
4.Put bucket on head. Wander around parking lot.
3.New campaign slogan: "Uhhhhh..."
2.Begin every speech with, "I am like a box of chocolates!"
1.Free circus tickets

Top Ten Signs the Guy Hijacking Your Plane Has Never Hijacked Before

10.His so-called "gun" has a very strong licorice smell
9.Asks flight attendant, "Is this a hijacking or no hijacking section?"
8.Writes his name and address on little card so he can get free subscription to in-flight magazine
7.His only demand: More peanuts!
6.On his way up to cockpit, flight attendant says he's not allowed in first class, so he sheepishly goes back to his seat
5.His nametag says "Hijacker Trainee"
4.Sits on top of the beverage cart, soars down the aisles yelling, "I'm king of the sky!"
3.Keeps muttering something about how hijacking is like a box of chocolates
2.Introduced to the captain, he demands to meet Tenille.
1.He checked his gun.

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win the Election

10.Your campaign manager keeps mispronouncing your name
9.On outside of letter you get from Publisher's Clearinghouse: "You may already be a loser!"
8.Campaign rally chants of "Four more years!" refer to your prison sentence
7.Your "motorcade" is down to a rental car and a fat kid on a bike.
6.All the TV ad time you bought was on CBS prime time
5.Next to your name on the ballot it says, "Yeah, right."
4.You rise to offer a rebuttal during a televised debate, and the moderator says: "Save your shoe leather, junior! We're all voting for the other guy!"
3.Gennifer Flowers won't return your calls
2.During debate, your opponent says, "I knew Forrest Gump, I worked with Forrest Gump, and you're no Forrest Gump."
1.Even you voted for the other guy

Top Ten Signs the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Marriage is in Trouble

10.Michael looking pale and weird lately.
9.Their Christmas card is a copy of their pre-nuptial agreement.
8.They no longer share the Maybelline.
7.Michael living in a Motel 6 outside of Rochester, N.Y.
6.Lisa Marie now dating Richard Simmons.
5.She likes Wendy's, he's an Arby's man.
4.Lisa Marie refused to take the four-year intensive NASA training program that would teach her to moonwalk.
3.She's making eyes at other androgynous freaks.
2.She's found out "Neverland" refers to their sex life.
1.He's grabbing himself again.

Top Ten Signs You're on a Bad Date

10.When you agreed to go out with him he was governor, and now he's just some guy who works at a car wash.
9.Every few minutes his face falls into his eggs.
8.She asks you to hold her clothes while she mambos with a guy named Pedro.
7.Her Wonderbra's on backwards.
6.Just as everything's starting to go great, you're both asked to return to your cells.
5.It's costing you $3.00 a minute.
4.You order a double whopper and he says, "My name ain't Rockefeller, honey."
3.Waiter taking your order asks "and what can I get for your sorry-ass date?"
2.He's drunk, all hands, and keeps bragging about how he whipped Mitt Romney.
1.He won't stop screaming "Pataki!"

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win the N.Y.C. Marathon

10.You've been "training" at Blimpie's.
9.Losing precious minutes with your frequent Marlboro breaks
8.Your favorite three words in the English language are "more pie, please."
7.You get stuck behind Al Sharpton
6.Instead of Gatorade, you're drinking Zima
5.Before you've gone two miles one of your four inch heels snaps off
4.Instead of the eye of the tiger, you've got the dull stare of the dairy cow
3.Every time you bend over to tie your shoes you cramp up like a son-of-a-bitch
2.You run several feet then puke your ever loving guts out
1.You've just finished last year's marathon

Top Ten Signs Your Handyman is Nuts

10.Drinks Elmer's glue like it was root beer
9.Keeps telling you, "Tools are like a box of chocolates..."
8.Upside down blueprint means you're stuck with a toilet on your ceiling
7.Claims to be the bastard love child of Black and Decker
6.He doesn't actually know anything about home repair, he's just a pretty boy actor getting a fat paycheck
5.There's nothing in his toolbox but a bologna sandwich and a pack of condoms
4.Can't lift arms from sides because of super-glue accident back in '87
3.Gets head caught in vice (shot of Letterman's head in vice)
2.Whenever you turn your back, he fires a nail gun at your ass
1.That ain't putty!

Top Ten Mario Cuomo Excuses

10.Couldn't bear being stuck in Albany for another four years
9.Lost my motivation after I won that $70 million lotto
8.Ballots were miscounted by New York City high school graduates
7.Campaign speeches continually interrupted by Andrew Giuliani
6.Shouldn't have advertised on CBS prime time
5.Pataki sort of rhymes with hockey -- and people really love hockey!
4.Didn't have the good sense to get caught smoking crack in a Washington, D.C., hotel room
3.When Mr. Gotti says take a dive, you take a damn dive
2.Talked Mujibur into voting for him, but never convinced that thick-skulled bastard Sirajul
1.Three words: Campaign Manager Gump!

Top Ten Signs Your New Governor is Nuts

9.Changes name of capital to "funkytown"
8.To prove he's tough on crime, he has himself executed.
7.Calls an emergency staff meeting and declares war on NebraskaIf left alone, will eat every document on his desk
6.Won't return phone call of the best damn mayor of the best damn city of the best damn country in the world
5.During victory speech, screams: "Are you sorry you wouldn't be my prom date now, Stephanie O'Rourke?"
4.Giggles uncontrollably whenever somebody says the word "gubernatorial"
3.During swearing-in, insists on holding judge's hand.
2.His date for the inaugural ball is inflatable.
1.Keeps trying to impeach himself

Top Ten Santa Pick-Up Lines

10.I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly
9.I put the 'scroo' in 'Scrooge'!
8.I've got something you can hang a wreath on
7.One hour with me honey and you'll see flyin' reindeer
6.Buy you a Zima?
5.That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I'm glad to see you
4.Uh-yeah, that's right. I'm Kenny Rogers
3.I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley!
2.Giddy-up over here and say 'Howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!
1.I've got an elf in my pants!

Top Ten Signs You're in Love with Judge Ito

10.You've renamed all of your children and pets "Lance"
9.You're thinking about killing somebody just on the chance you'd wind up in his courtroom
8.You call Court TV to suggest a 48-hour Ito-athon
7.You find him guilty! Guilty of being adorable!
6.Your name is Robert Shapiro
5.You buy bags of Fritos and cut them up just to have the word "Ito" for your scrapbook
4.In court room, you shout "Hold me in contempt! But just hold me!"
3.When you see him on Court TV, you start licking the screen
2.You're wearing a button that says "Ito is Neato"
1.That's not a gavel in your pants

Top Ten Signs Your Name is Ed

10.Lots of times when people see you, they say, "Hi, Ed."
9.You receive junk mail that reads: "You may already have won, Ed."
8.When your girlfriend breaks up with you, the letter begins "Dear Ed..."
7.Hippies who attend all your concerts are known as "Edheads."
6.Let's say you're playing baseball. You're the shortstop and there's a pop up between you and the third baseman. You drift under it to make the catch when suddenly the third baseman comes over and says, "I got it, Ed."
5.Your name rhymes with red, but it's not Fred, Ted or Ned.
4.You always get a friendly slap on the back and knowing wink whenever you run into Ed Asner.
3.It seems like every time you get hit on the head with something, it's right after someone yells "Look out, Ed!"
2.You embark on a career in rap music as Snoop Doggy Ed.
1.You sign all of your letters to Penthouse, "Jim".

Top Ten Guys Who Sort of Look Like Me

10.Richard Baker
9.Michael Couchois (Koo-Schwah)
8.John Hughes
7.Jack Burgess
6.Sydney Smith
5.Gary Borger
4.Michael Lundeby
3.Matt King
2.Leonard Tepper
1.Regis Philbin

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

10.Watch out! The Amtrak float is heading this way!
9.Look, mom -- two men kissing!
8.Oh my God! Somebody just dropped a can of paint on Willard!
7.Hey, the New York Giant's float is going the wrong way. It's losing yardage.
6.Inflate me.
5.That big purple-faced thing isn't the Barney balloon -- it's Ted Kennedy!
4.Macy's sucks!
3.I'll take two pretzels, Gov. Cuomo.
2.That's not the Dolly Parton balloon -- that's Dolly Parton.
1.That ain't gravy.

Top Ten Signs You're a Shopaholic

10.In State-of-Union address, president thanks you for spurring economic growth
9.You live in a tent in the sporting goods section of Macy's
8.You've dropped, but yet you continue to shop
7.Your last four serious relationships were with mall cops
6.Your name is Sally Johnson, and now there's a store called "Gap for Sally Johnson"
5.You just brained an old lady to get the last pair of five-dollar mittens
4.You can't get your car out of the Stuckey's parking lot because you've got 3,300 pounds of pecan logs in the trunk
3.You've even purchased some of that Zima crap
2.You're in a private audience with Pope John Paul II, and you ask "How much for the big hat?"
1.You've nailed both Sears and Roebuck

Top Ten Signs Your U.S. Senator is Nuts

10.He wants to be called "Cathy"
9.Breakfast, lunch and dinner? Zima
8.He's spending Thanksgiving on a bus to Miami
7.He demonstrates support for his tobacco-growing constituents by eating a pack of Luckies live on C-Span
6.40-hour filibuster repeating the word "Pataki"
5.Refers to Bob Dole as "Pineapple Boy"
4.Pet project: Replacing "The Star Spangled Banner" with "The Pina Colada Song"
3.Demands that each of the 28 voices in his head should get to vote
2.He keeps inviting senate pages to his office to play a game called "Pocket Veto"
1.You live in North Carolina

Top Ten Signs You're Not a Good Commander-in-Chief

10.The only time you see people in uniform is when you go to McDonald's.
9.Instead of "Hail to the Chief," the marine band plays you on with "Pop Goes the Weasel."
8.A guy steps on your toe in an elevator and you break down and tell him our nuclear launch codes.
7.At your favorite Chinese restaurant they name a dish after you: Lame Duck.
6.Your secret service code name is "Draft Dodging Hillbilly."
5.You think an M-16 is a bus route.
4.Whenever there's a 21-gun salute, you dive to the ground and whimper like a terrified puppy.
3.Instead of calling you "Mr. President," people call you "Cap'n Bonehead."
2.You're better with Fritos than vetos.
1.You take orders from your wife.

Top Ten Movies Playing in Times Square on Thanksgiving Day

10.Humpkin Pie
9.Makin' Gravy
8.The Panty Clause
7.The Wizard of "Ahhh's"
6.Actual footage of turkey's doing it
5.Natural Born Hookers
4.Miracle on 34-28-36 Street
3.Forrest Rump
2.Pulp Friction
1.Stuff Me

Top Ten Stores Not Doing Well This Holiday Season

10.Gap For Losers
9.Tick Town
8.Lance Ito's Fake Beard Store
7.Ye Olde Deadly Virus Shoppe
6.Boutros Boutros' Blouses
5.The House of Overpriced Crap
4.Al Sharpton's Medallion City
3.Denture Hut
2.Wacky Pataki's Electronics
1.Roseanne's Secret

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad New Year's Eve Party

10.Brand of champagne: Dom Deluise
9.At midnight everyone gathers around to watch your Uncle Earl's pants drop
8.You wake up the next morning wearing a medallion and there's a note from Al Sharpton that says, "I'll call you"
7.You hear a guy count down before using the bathroom
6.Joycelyn Elders is there trying to get herself drunk
5.It's eleven o'clock at night, and you're watching Roger Ebert play Twister
4.Six times in a row, a champagne cork lodges in your trachea
3.The so-called "Party Hats" are really Letterman's old hairpieces
2.Everyone's gathered around the TV watching that geezer from "American Bandstand"
1.It's over by 9:30

Top Ten Least Popular Holiday TV Specials

10.The Gingrich That Stole Christmas
9.Rush Limbaugh Eats a Reindeer
8.Bob Hope's Dizzy Dizzy Christmas
7.Frothy the Runny-Nosed Snow Monkey
6.Richard Simmons Sweatin' with Elves
5.Harvey Fierstein's Hanukkah on Fire Island
4.Van Damme Kick-Boxes Santa to Death
3.The Dave Letterman Christmas Spectacular
2.Joycelyn Elders' Mistletoe-For-One Special
1.Teddy the Red-Nosed Kennedy

Top Ten Lisa Marie's Complaints about Michael Jackson

10.Always screaming at the TV during Packers games
9.Keeps forgetting to put the cap back on the mascara
8.That moonwalking crap gets old real fast
7.It's always Liz Taylor this, Liz Taylor that...
6.I know I'm his wife--but the man wants sex morning, noon and night!
5.Jackson 5 closer to 4 and 5/8ths
4.The high-pitched squealing every time he sees a toy he wants
3.Chugs a couple of buds, falls asleep on the La-Z-Boy, and snores like a son-of-a-bitch
2.His bedroom filled with the overwhelming stench of chimp!
1.He's a great big freak!

Top Ten Reasons Roseanne Will Make a Good Mother

10.Every birthday, kid gets own TV show
9.One word name is less stressful for the child to memorize
8.Children can earn extra money by selling stories to the Enquirer
7.Won't make child adhere to stodgy conventions like eating with silverware
6.Child won't have to leave home to sell all her girl scout cookies
5.Breakfast, lunch and dinner -- loose meat sandwiches
4.Mom sits on a bully and presto! Bully tortilla!
3.She's on a two-hour feeding schedule herself
2.She took care of Tom for years
1.Already has "Bad-Ass Mom" tattoo

Top Ten Ways Democrats Can Increase Their Popularity

10.Show up for speeches wearing one of those Judge Ito beards
9.Give away booze-filled ceramic miniatures of Ted Kennedy
8.Personal thank you notes to both democratic voters
7.Have Hillary kick Bill's ass in public
6.Spray-paint "Regis sucks" on buildings across the nation
5.New surgeon general: Dr. Pepper
4.Dukakis/Tsongas in '96
3.Change name to "The Political Party Formerly Known as Prince"
2.Spend less time doing what Joycelyn Elders said should be taught in school
1.Lose Hillbilly Boy

Top Ten Surprises in the Presidential Address

10.Already gave his concession speech for '96 election
9.Arizona now called "Bubbatown."
8.Drunken Yeltsin calling every 30 seconds on the red phone to say, "Merry Christmas"
7.Each time President said, "Here, kitty, kitty," George Stephanopoulos would rub up against the podium
6.When he screamed at Jesse Helms, "You wanna piece of me, punk?!"
5.Stopped speech four times to eat popcorn balls off Christmas tree
4.Fist-banging tirade about how those pictures in "Penthouse" really didn't do Paula Jones justice
3.The President's unsolicited testimonial for big ass pork products
2.Secret Service guys held Newt Gingrich while Clinton slugged him in the stomach
1.He was sweatin' gravy!

Top Ten Signs You're a Bad Surgeon General

10.You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve
9.You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi Rum
8.Morning, noon and night you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown
7.Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator
6.You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit
5.Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers
4.Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof" socks
3.You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy
2.You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school
1.Your cure for heart disease: Zima

Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid

10.Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9.Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8.Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
7.By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
6.Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed
5.Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list
4.Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
3.First words when kid gets on his lap are, "touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you"
2.Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown"
1.Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

Top Ten Things Overheard at the White House Christmas Party

10.It's so nice to have a president who can play Santa without padding
9.I'm sorry, Miss. There's no 'Paula Jones' on the guest list
8.You make an adorable elf, Mr. Stephanopoulos
7.Hey, who invited Nipsey Russel?
6.So what are you doing to pass the time these days, Ms. Elders?
5.Stand back -- Gore's gonna do a cannonball into the eggnog!
4.I've never seen a wreath made of French fries before!
3.Check it out! A bullet just shattered my punch glass!
2.See if Jimmy Carter can go 'negotiate' us another keg of brew!
1.This party sucks -- let's go to Newt's

Top Ten Responsibilities of the New Congressmen

10.Watch orientation film: "The Wonderful World of Graft and Kickbacks"
9.Bring bags of ice cubes up to Ted Kennedy's office
8.Sweep up the shell casing outside White House gate
7.Make sure Cher gets alimony check on time (Sonny Bono only)
6.Run the projector at Clarence Thomas' parties
5.Empty Jesse Helms' spittoon
4.Collect hair clippings from capitol barber shop floor, start makin' wigs for Bob Dole
3.Start kissing Newt's ass
2.When finished kissing Newt's ass, consider kissing it a little more
1.Get fresh drinks for the hookers

Top Ten Ways U.S. Open Would Be Different if it Were Held on the Moon

10.Guy hits a lob on Tuesday; opponent returns it on Wednesday.
9.Announcer keeps saying lame things like "That's one short volley for man, one giant match point for mankind."
8.In space, no one can hear John McEnroe.
7.If players argue, umpire cuts off their oxygen.
6.Final round: Michael Stich vs. one of them Star Trek dudes.
5.Lots of laughs when line judge and his tall chair get knocked over by a low-flying comet.
4.Sampras has just smashed another blistering two mile an hour serve!
3.Spectator Rush Limbaugh mistaken for Goodyear blimp.
2.Serve one really hard and it goes all the way around and hits you in the ass.
1.Two words: Floatin' trophies!

Top Ten Signs You're Sick of the Holidays

10.You've got red and green bags under your eyes
9.You're serving reindeer pot pie
8.When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"
7.You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers in the ass with your BB gun
6.You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you
5.Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies
4.You're busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe.
3.You've got eggnog coming out of your ears
2.Your standard response, "And happy holidays to you too, you bastard"
1.Two words: tinsel rash

Top Ten Reasons New York's Population is Shrinking

10.People starting to get tired of paying $27 for gum
9.Everyone migrating to beautiful Newark, New Jersey
8.Citizens dropping left and right from Pataki fever
7.Bunch of folks got on D train, doors didn't open until Delaware
6.Many citizens frightened by Mayor Giuliani's hair
5.People want to be within shooting distance of the White House
4.Every year, thousands of New Yorkers are forced to enter federal witness relocation program
3.People come hoping to meet Batman, leave bitter and angry
2.Leona Helmsley + Wonderbra = Time to go
1.Two words: The smell

Top Ten Items on the North Pole Police Blotter.

10.More shots fired at Santa's house.
9.Elf removed from workshop with vibrating electric football set in his pants.
8.Unlicensed street vendor caught selling reindeer kabobs.
7.Rudolph busted for showing what else he can make glow.
6.Noise ordinances violated by Kathie Lee's singing.
5.Rowdy teens chasing Frosty the Snowman with a hair dryer.
4.Deranged gingerbread man arrested after several hours on street corner shouting, "Eat me!"
3.Mrs. Claus nabbed for hooking on 9th Ave.
2.Send the jaws of life: the old man's got his fat ass stuck in a chimney again.

Top Ten Signs You've Got it Easy in Jail

10.Every night there's a mint on your pillow.
9.Bars of your cell are rusty from Jacuzzi-steam.
8.Guards meet with you to help plan your escape.
7.They replaced your regular coffee with Folgers crystals. In the resulting riot, ten died.
6.You share a cell with one of Heidi Fleiss' girls.
5.You get frequent flier miles for good behavior.
4.You have a summer cell in the Hamptons.
3.Every day around 4:00 -- pony rides!
2.Other inmates refer to your cell as "Margaritaville."
1.You call the warden "daddy."

Top Ten Signs You've Been Watching Too Much Football

10.You spend all your free time baking brownies for John Madden.
9.Every time you get up from the couch, you pull a groin muscle.
8.You actually watched the Jets-Texans game on Saturday.
7.You are hurled from your car after a high-speed collision and your first thought is, "Oh boy, I'm in a nice tight spiral!"
6.You sweat Gatorade.
5.Someone says, "Pass the turkey," and you hurl that mother 60 yards.
4.All your clothes are make of pigskin.
3.After sex, you spike the pillow.
2.Your grandmother falls down the stairs and you yell, "Touchdown!"
1.Hash marks on your ass.

Top Ten Movies Playing in Times Square This Christmas.

10.I Saw Mommy Nailing Santa Claus
9.Three Elves and a Little Lady
8.North Poled
7.Nude and Nuder
6.Won't You Guide My Pants Tonight?
5.The Little Drummer Boy Becomes a Man
4.Mrs. Claus and the U.P.S. Guy
3.Not-So-Tiny Tim
2.Jocelyn Elders Home Alone
1.Jingle This!

Top Ten Things Overheard in Times Square on New Year's Eve

10.I'm a New York public school graduate. What comes after 10, 9, 8?
9.Is Al Sharpton in a diaper really the best choice for Baby New Year?
8.Look at the fine detail. The workmanship. The craftsmanship. Dick Clark's face is amazing!
7.How much for the 9MM 'Noisemakers'?
6.Wow! Almost as much vomit as St. Patrick's Day!
5.Three...2...1... now give me your wallet!
4.Look -- on top of the ball. It's Andrew Giuliani!
3.Oh please let that be chowder all over my pant leg.
2.You know, Dr. Elders, 'Stroke of Midnight' is just an expression.
1.Auld Lang Syne This!

Top Ten Michael Jackson Marriage Tips

10.Mickey Mouse ears make a great birth control device
9.Be considerate -- try not to hog the monkey
8.Keep the moonwalking crap to a minimum
7.Apologize after saying something like "I wished I'd married the remains of the elephant man instead of you!"
6.Whenever wife complains about how freakin' weird you are, show her a picture of Prince
5.Make it clear that as far as she is concerned, your pants are neverland
4.Pretend not to notice when she flirts with other androgynous freaks
3.Maintain joint account with Revlon
2.Keep having surgery until you and your wife are identical twins
1.Two words: Beat it!

Top Ten Bob Dole Complaints About Hollywood

10.Why pay seven bucks to see boozing and adultery when you can watch Democrats for free?
9.No Academy Award for grouchiest Senator
8.Not enough Fonzie
7.In "Don Juan DeMarco," Marlon Brando shows way to much cleavage
6.Those "Baywatch" babes never seem to get it on with conservative old coots
5.Why couldn't Gump shake hands with a Senate Majority Leader instead of President Kennedy?
4.Casper the Friendly Ghost? more like "Casper the Bare-Ass Naked Ghost!"
3.Gets sick to stomach watching Letterman at the concession stand (VT of Dave)
2.Dumb and Dumber was clearly propaganda for the Clinton/Gore ticket
1.That creepy Richard Simmons guy (Richard busts in and takes card)

Top Ten Dr. Kevorkian Tips for Summer

10.No matter how hot, don't forget to close garage door
9.Caskets made of light, airy pine
8.Playfully hurl water balloons at compound housing the Medelin Cartel
7.Go to Sea World, hop Killer Whale tank and do you damndest to free Willy
6.Road trip with Dee Dee Myers and a trunk full of Schlitz
5.Nothing says, "Happy July 4th , dad!" like a lethal injection
4.Take a bunch of friends to McDonald's and pour scalding coffee on each other
3.Picnic basket containing one starved, vicious badger (VT of badger)
2.Visit the White House and stand around until somebody shoots you
1.Lemons + sugar + cyanide = cyan-ade!

Top Ten Orlando Magic Excuses

10.Didn't want game 5, we're going to see "Batman Forever"
9.Sometimes being so tall makes your kinda dizzy
8.Can't prove it, but pretty sure one of the refs was a brother of one of the Rockets or something
7.Too busy tying yellow ribbons 'round old oak trees (that's a Tony Orlando excuse)
6.Couldn't concentrate after hearing Michael and Lisa Marie actually do it
5.In a perfect world, Connie still would be doing CBS News
4.Ran out of Gatorade and had to use bugs and rain water
3.Anfernee Hardaway didn't score enough bafkets
2.Yeah, like we want to go to the White House and get our ass shot at
1.What do we care, we're already in Disneyworld!

Top Ten Rejected Batman Villains

10.Sy Sperling and his hairpiece of death
9.The Pillsbury Psycho
7.The Ticketmaster
6.The woman who keeps breaking into Batman's house
5.The Masked Philbin
4.Anwar, the cabbie who won't break Batman's twenty
3.Mujiman (VT of Mujibur in costume)
2.Connie and her Chung gun
1.The Caped Kato

Top Ten Signs Your Camp Counselor is Nuts

10.When campers arrive yells, "Welcome to Funky Town!" and starts pounding the Riunite
9.Has you make your own squirrel jerky
8.Announces, "we'll be training at this camp for 2 week & then off to Nam!
7.Checks himself for ticks a little too frequently
6.Whenever he tells ghost stories around the fire, he gets scared and wets his pants
5.The only craft he teaches you is check forgery
4.Even in restaurants he orders bugs and rainwater
3.He's this guy (VT of Healthy Herb from video collection)
2.Building a white Bronco out of popsicle sticks
1.Former social director of Carnival Cruise Lines

Top Ten Good Things About Being a Two-Time NBA Champion

10.Just six more championships, and you'll have an eight-peat
9.Every time you eat a Dorito in public, you make a cool million bucks
8.Get to co-anchor CBS News with Dan Rather
7.When you eat at Howard Johnson's, they slip you a couple extra fried clams
6.When you go to Disneyworld, Mickey has to kiss your ass
5.For some reason, after you win the title twice, those cute Doublemint Twins start hanging around
4.Every night for the rest of your life, you're bathin' in Gatorade!
3.Hakeem will become the most popular name for newborn babies
2.Congratulatory lap dance from Marv Albert
1.Get to meet Batman!

Top Ten Ways to Speed Up the O.J. Trial

10.Every time a lawyer objects, F. Lee Bailey must remove an article of clothing
9.Forget the jury and just settle the damn thing with a "Hard Copy" Viewers' Poll
8.Cut week-long "going away" parties for dismissed jurors
7.Put Judge Ito in a Batman suit, sit back, and watch my man Lance do some justice!
6.Leave the glove-modeling to Cindy Freakin' Crawford
5.Bring in Wapner--that dude can handle two whole cases in half an hour!
4.Limit prosecution to one massive screw-up per day
3.Threaten jury by saying, "If you don't come up with a verdict soon, we're gonna send you on a Carnival Cruise"
2.Submit into evidence a photo of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie doin' it
1.Eliminate happy hour

Top Ten Ways to Make Hockey More Exciting

10.During playoffs, players dress up as their favorite Ice Capades character
9.Canadians must play in bare feet
8.All penalty minutes must be served sitting next to that guy who played "Doc" on "The Love Boat."
7.Just barely visible under ice: frozen body of Walt Disney
6.Replace Zamboni with Ford Bronco
5.Your New Jersey Devils starting goalie--Miss Katharine Hepburn
4.New snack bar item: player's missing teeth dipped in fudge
3.Every team roster must include one lesser known cast member from "The Love Boat"
2.Only guys named Stanley get to wear a cup
1.Let Michael Jordan take a crack at it

Top Ten Things on Clinton's Campaign To Do List

10.Promise the American people second term won't suck as bad as first
9.Boating trip with Roger. Make it look like an accident
8.See if Paula Jones will drop charges if offered the Vice Presidency
7.Sample as many flavors of cake as possible; eventually pick an official "Campaign Cake"
6.Spend a couple weeks eatin' bugs in Bosnia
5.Have "Clinton/Batman '96" bumper stickers printed up
4.Pray like hell that Republicans nominate Sonny Bono
3.Adopt Macaulay Culkin and rob the little monkey blind
2.On July 4th, "accidentally" stick a Roman Candle up Newt's ass
1.Do it with Lisa Marie

Top Ten Signs You're on a Bad Cruise

10.Brochure boasts that ship was subject of a "60 minutes" expose
9.You see the chef trying to knock pelicans out of the sky with the frisbee
8.Captain refuses to make a move without first consulting Tenille
7.The late Don Ameche keeps turning up in the swimming pool
6.Kathie Lee never stops throwing up
5.Captain has a dead albatross hanging from his neck
4.It's the Scott O'Grady theme cruise, and all they serve you is bugs and rainwater
3.You keep walking in on Gavin Macleod having sex in your cabin
2.Instead of the "Lido Deck," they've got the "Ito Deck"
1.Vessel's name: The S.S. Scurvy
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